Nothing

Have you ever felt like you fit in nowhere and with no one?

Something strange is happening with me...inside me...something I can't quite explain--Strange bad? Strange good? I'm not sure--but it's been going on for awhile now...

Lately, I feel...nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not happiness, not sadness. Just...nothing. 

I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I guess it would be sort of like a person who's blind and deaf: The world is going on around you, but you can see it, hear it, relate to it. Sort of like those Charlie Brown cartoons: Whenever an adult was talking, it just sounded like meaningless noise--"Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk." Everything around me has just become meaningless noise.

I know we walk by faith, not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7), but still...why have I been feeling nothing so much lately?

Have you ever felt that way? Flat? Numb? Nothing? Absolutely...nothing? 

It may be discouragement. It may be disillusionment (not necessarily with God, but more with life in general), maybe it's just sheer physical and mental exhaustion...

I don't know...but something is happening to me.

As much as I wish I could present myself as a cookie-cutter, perfect Christian and present my walk with the Lord as perfect all the time, it is my desire to be as honest as possible on this blog (aka my spiritual diary), to chronicle both my spiritual highs and lows, my triumphs and my struggles. Thus, though I often hesitate to write about my struggles for fear of being pegged as a Christian "Debbie Downer," I want to be honest--with myself and with others--transparent. Presenting a phony picture of perfection is dishonest and accomplishes nothing.

Do you know what I prayed last night?

"Lord, please fix whatever's wrong with me. Give me whatever it is I need."

I really need to seek the Lord, to figure out what's going on with me. 

I'll keep you posted...

Psalm 147:3
He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

1 John 3:20
For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.