Intimacy With Jesus

Turning Away

2012-02-26T20:07:00.001-05:00

"Then [Hezekiah] turned his face to the wall, and prayed unto the LORD..." 2 Kings 20:2

OK, so I've made a decision: This week, I'm going to fast. But not the kind of fast you might think. I'm going to fast the Internet and TV.

I think I'm too distracted, too much noise in my head, too much obsessing over my popularity, my book sales, marketing, and publicity.

In case you haven't noticed, my brain has a tendency to obsess over things. This is a positive if I'm obsessing over Jesus, but a negative if I'm obsessing over other things. Satan is subtle (Genesis 3:1), and if we're not careful, anything can become an idol in our lives.

I want to, need to start obsessing over Jesus again, and I think the only way for me to do that is to turn my face to the wall and saturate myself in God, in prayer, and in the Word.

Bad habits are hard to break and good habits are hard to get started, but both can be done. So I'm going to try to break my Internet/media addiction: No logging into Facebook, no checking my Web site stats, no movies when I come home. Prayer/Bible study when I wake up, prayer/Bible study before I go to bed. Nothing else for at least a week.

It's time to get serious! Time to put up or shut up!

I'll let you know how it goes!

My Beautiful God

2012-02-25T02:46:00.001-05:00

I'm dead tired right now, it's almost 2am, I should totally be asleep, but for some reason, I felt compelled to post...

My emotions are sort of in a weird place right now: My book was published this past Wednesday. Of course, I've received very little support from family and friends (yeah, everyone went on and on about how excited they were and blah blah blah on Facebook, but, so far, I've only had two sales--LOL!). It's my "Flaky Family and Fake Friends" post all over again!

I know, I know: I shouldn't care. My focus should only be on the Lord Jesus. I should be seeking Him (Psalm 27:4), not glory or fame. And if God wants me to be promoted, He'll make it happen. If He doesn't, it won't happen. I know all of this and I'm disappointed that I let it bother me even a little, but I'm still human, with human emotions. To my credit, I'm not that devastated. I guess I've matured a little. I know the drill.

My emotions are probably in a tender place also because I really haven't had my God time lately: I wake up early, grab coffee, jump in the shower, maybe listen to a little scripture, a quick prayer, then I head to work. Later, I come home, shower, eat, a little Internet, a little TV, listen to a little more scripture, quick prayer, then go to bed. I'm still not prioritizing my time as well as I should. I'm still letting the laziness of the flesh get the best of me and I'm mad at myself for doing so. I miss my Jesus. I miss our time together.

Anyway, on a different note, somewhat unrelated, I just finished watching the documentary, My Beautiful Face on Youtube, which is about the acid attack against model/tv presenter Katie Piper. What struck me was how, even though our stories are drastically different, many aspects of her pain reminded me of my own experience.

Both Katie's and my life were negatively impacted by abusive men (albeit, her experience was clearly more horrific and life altering than mine).

So much of what Katie said and did reminded me of myself when I was going through my nightmarish sexual harassment-litigation situation: Feeling helpless, hopeless and frustrated, getting cranky and snapping at mom, being afraid to leave the house and interact with people, being afraid of retaliation, not driving, needing others to take care of us, being jumpy and unable sleep, not remembering what your life was like before the nightmare began, feeling like a mere shell of your former self and wondering if you'll ever be the strong, happy, independent person you used to be, feeling like your life has now become defined by what this man did to you.

I suppose both Katie and I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder. Again, in no way do I wish to diminish the severity of Katie's situation by comparing my situation to hers, but the documentary definitely struck a chord with me and I had to hold back tears as I watched and the memories of my own nightmare flooded back in.

But, of course, I can't think of what I've been through without thinking of where I am now: a technical writer for the U.S. Government, my 2nd book published (even if sales are skimpy)--I have hope and a future. God put the broken pieces of my life back together.

I suppose the emotional wounds aren't completely healed if Katie's documentary could recall those memories for me and make me cry. Joseph thought he had fully recovered emotionally (Genesis 41:51), but when he saw his brothers, he could barely restrain himself from weeping (Genesis 42:24).

But, like Katie, I'm not the girl who had the horrible experience. I'm the girl who survived the experience and is thriving. And it's all because of my beautiful God.

So, a little while ago, I finally had some quiet time with God and I cried. Not so much, I think, from the book situation or even the bad memories. I just tried to clear my head of all the noise inside of it and tried to imagine what I would say to the Lord Jesus if He were sitting right in front of me and I became overwhelmed, speechless, and started to cry.

Like I said, my emotions are in a strange place right now.

Jesus often has the effect on me. When I think of God, I cry. He just overwhelms me. His love, His faithfulness, His restoring and healing power. My beautiful God.

Craving Jesus

2012-02-18T20:24:00.000-05:00

"...O when wilt thou come unto me?..." Psalm 101:2

Psalm 101 was part of my Bible reading schedule today. I don't think I've ever noticed this scripture before. It left me absolutely speechless!

The Psalmist was desperately craving Jesus! Have you ever wanted to wrap your arms around Jesus so badly your heart literally ached? I have. That's what I think this Psalmist was experiencing...

I think this is how we should feel every minute of every day.

The Song of Solomon ends with the bride telling her Beloved to make haste and come to her (Song 8:14). Revelation ends with John pleading, "Even so, come, Lord Jesus" (Revelation 22:20).

Worshipers of God are never satisfied! They want more of Him--all of Him! They want Him in their arms!

Let us never be satisfied, on this side of life, until our hearts constantly cry out, "O when wilt thou come unto me?"

Darkness or Light?

2012-02-17T07:50:00.001-05:00

I don't go looking for drama, but drama ALWAYS finds me!

I once again had another bizarre experience with an online "friend."

Several days ago, I posted the pictures of Beyonce's and Jay-Z's newborn daughter, Blue Ivy (I think that's her name) on Facebook. I just thought the pictures were really cute!

So one of my Facebook "friends" (I didn't know this guy personally, but apparently, we're both part of a Christian group on Facebook and he sent me a friend request) posts a strange rant about how he doesn't like Jay-Z because he made a comment at an awards show which he thought was racist; this guy posted his rant under the photos which I had posted.

Now, from the beginning, I had an uneasy feeling about this guy. I do believe he truly was a "Christian"--that is, he truly seemed to believe in Jesus as the Son of God and Savior, but this guy would also regularly use profanity (sometimes in his same posts talking about God and faith!) and he posted some really vulgar pictures once which were supposed to be a joke. So, clearly, he was a carnal, spiritually immature Christian to say the least. There's nothing wrong with joking, so long as it isn't a joke you'd hesitate to make in the glorious, majestic presence of the Lord (the Bible clearly warns against certain kinds of joking and evil speaking: Ephesians 5:4, Colossians 4:6, Psalm 19:14, etc.). I think we forget that we're always in the glorious presence of the Lord!

Anyway, so, this guy makes this rant and--like an idiot--I respond. I wrote that I didn't hear the comment made by Jay-Z and, based on this guy's description, the comment was cryptic. Thus, I didn't know what Jay-Z meant by the comment, so I couldn't really feel one way or another about it; I'd just posted the photos because I thought their baby was beautiful and they looked so happy.

He replies with another long post about how he hates racism and he gets angry because he doesn't believe "black racists" are held accountable the way white racists are and on and on. I responded that I thought that what Jay-Z said was no worse than what Mel Gibson had said when he was screaming at his girlfriend (the mother of his child) on the telephone; I said that if Jay-Z was simply stating he wanted more honesty in race relations, he has a right to feel and say that and that this didn't indicate that Jay-Z believed blacks were superior to other races. He responded. I responded. He responded. I responded. He responded. This went on and on for a few hours over the course of the day.

By the end of the day, I just got fed up and unfriended and blocked this guy.

Here's the thing though: The entire time that this guy and I were going back and forth, I felt a grieving in my spirit. Colossians 3:1-2 states:

"If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth."

I'm trying to draw closer to the Lord and to go deeper in the things of God. Getting sucked into an hours-long argument/debate on Facebook about racism accomplishes what? Not much! The entire time we were going back and forth, I felt like I was being drawn into darkness.

I wanted to tell this guy--who, again, is supposed to be a Christian--that hatred, racism, prejudice, bigotry, sin--none of these things will cease to exist until the King of Kings and Lord of Lords comes to reign! So, what's the point in dwelling on it or getting all up in arms about it?!

Now, I'm not saying that we stick our heads in the sand and pretend these things don't exist or that we don't do what we can to fight injustice in the world, but we do it in the Lord. This guy was saying how much he couldn't stand Jay-Z because of Jay-Z's alleged comment:

1. Where is the love and forgiveness of God toward Jay-Z (if Jay-Z even said or did anything wrong)?

2. How does hating or disliking Jay-Z help to fight racial prejudice in the world and to further the glorious gospel of Christ?

In my "How Would Jesus Vote?" post (which is one of my more popular posts), I question how "caught up" in the things of this world Christians should allow themselves to become. The state of political and social affairs may be sad and/or frightening, but we must remember, this is a spiritual battle, not an earthly or carnal one. Arguing, debating in this world will only accomplish so much. Again, sin will not cease to exist until the King of Kings comes to reign.

I just feel like, when I get too caught up in worldly affairs, I'm being drawn into darkness. That's why I unfriended that guy. He might be carnal and focused on the things of this world, but I don't want him to bring me down to his level. If I'm trying to keep my mind focused on the Lord Jesus and on the Word of God and the things of God, I don't want "friends" who are going to draw me into darkness, focusing on hatred and sin rather than focusing on drawing closer to the Lord.

I believe it was my former pastor, Dan Cotrone of New York (a great man of God! He's my former pastor only because I moved to another state), who said that we can categorize virtually everything that comes into our lives as either light and life or death and darkness. Or maybe it was Joyce Meyer who said it. :)

Anyway, I felt like I was being drawn into darkness when I was debating with that guy. I think we need to start more heavily evaluating EVERYTHING in our lives--people, movies, music, books, television, etc.--and categorizing them as light and life or death and darkness. Does it draw us closer to or further from the Lord? Does it make us feel better or worse spiritually? Does it bring peace or steal our peace?

This is why I also block Facebook friends who regularly post atheist/agnostic comments, derogatory jokes about women, etc.

The past few years of my life have been tumultuous! I want more of Jesus! I want more peace (Isaiah 26:3)! I want to keep my mind and heart focused on God! I want light and life! And if anyone or anything brings death and darkness into my life, I'm cutting it off!

Not For Another

2012-02-16T18:58:00.000-05:00

"And I said unto her, Thou shalt abide for me many days; thou shalt not play the harlot, and thou shalt not be for [another] man: so [will] I also [be] for thee." Hosea 3:3

I'm sure I've said this before, but I'll say it again: Hosea is one of my favorite books in the Bible. It is such a graphic reminder of God's enduring love and faithfulness to us despite our unfaithfulness to Him.

These were the words that Hosea said to his cheating wife Gomer after he'd bought her back from her paramour.

Anyway, as part of my Bible reading plan, I've been reading Hosea the past couple of days. While I was at work, this scripture came up in my spirit.

I'm not sure what this means. I'm not backsliding right now or intentionally being unfaithful to the Lord (though I have been a bit busy and preoccupied with work lately).

Here's the interesting thing: Yesterday, during my prayer time, I asked the Lord if anything was wrong. I told Him that I felt like I was making more mistakes and struggling at work more than I ought to be: "Is this a test? Have I done something to displease you? Show me."

Yesterday, I asked the Lord to show me why I've been struggling so much lately and today, this scripture came to my spirit.

Now, it could be a coincidence since the book of Hosea is fresh in my mind from my recent study of it, but we also know that the Holy Spirit brings scriptures to our remembrance. So, like Mary, I'm going to keep this and ponder it in my heart.

While I wouldn't say I've been unfaithful to Jesus, I still am not as passionate as I could be or should be. I still spend more of my free time than I should watching television and playing on the computer when I could spend that precious time seeking Him.

Is God trying to tell me He wants more of me? That I should not be for another?

Hmm...

Emptied Again?

2012-02-12T15:47:00.001-05:00

"This is my prayer in the harvest

Where favour and providence flow

I know I'm filled to emptied again

The seed I've received I will sow."

"Desert Song" by Brooke Fraser

The end of Brooke Fraser's song "Desert Song" (one of my favorite Christian songs) talks about how, after we've received the Lord's harvest and blessings, we can expect to be "emptied again." Thus, the Christian walk is a walk of cycles:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I believe, in our walk with the Lord Jesus, there are times when we are broken down, so the Lord can develop us and accomplish certain things in us, and times when we are built up and strengthened in Him. There are times when we must weep and mourn in sorrow over our sin or during times of trial and testing, and times when we can laugh and dance in the Lord's blessings. There are times when God allows us to get and times when He allows us to lose. There are times when the presence of God is so strong and tangible in our lives and times when He's silent and seems distant ("a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing"?), though He's always with us.

So what's been going on with me? Difficult to say. I feel like I'm going through another time of trial and testing, though I feel I've only recently entered the time of harvest.

On the job, my performance has been...OK, I guess. The past three years were very tumultuous for me, very physically and mentally draining, so I kind of feel like I started this new job not at peak performance, almost like an athlete who has gotten out of shape, but who enters the Olympics! Thus, I feel like I've been operating at 85%-90% rather than the perfectionist 110% I'm used to and which I've come to expect from myself. As a result, on numerous occasions, I've come across mistakes I've made in the help documents I write. I'm able to correct the mistakes, but sometimes not until after they've been published and distributed. This past Friday was really embarrassing: Apparently, there was some information that wasn't even in the help documents and several customers were calling and complaining because they were having problems with the issue I failed to write about.

Every day I pray for God's help and grace on the job, and yet, I feel like I keep making mistakes. I don't know if this is happening so God can humble me or keep me humble, so I don't start to think I'm hot stuff just because I'm a "Senior Technical Writer for the U.S. government." I just fear that if I keep making these mistakes, I might lose my job. My mother and I live paycheck to paycheck, so if I lost this job, we'd be up the creek without a paddle! But I know God is a God of miracles and no situation is greater than Him!

A tiny part of me almost wonders if God gave me this job temporarily, just to get me to another location for the next phase in His plan for me.

Who knows. I'm a little bit flustered by the situation. I've allowed the corporate environment to rattle me a bit--kowtowing and shaking in boots is expected when certain big wigs enter the room. I'm a little afraid of failing again, of making a fool out of myself again.

But I have to trust that I and my life are in God's hands. I have to cleave to Him. Will I love Him only when I'm blessed and succeeding in all that I do, or will I love Him even if/when I struggle?

Trust isn't really necessary in the time of harvest. It's necessary when you're in the desert.

Thoughts on Another Busy Weekend

2012-02-05T12:38:00.000-05:00

Another working weekend...grrrrr!!! Some of the work is actually job related, some of it is personal, but has to get done; so another weekend I have to rush through my Bible studies. :(

Last night, I saw this post from Joyce Meyer on Facebook:

"You are as close to God as you want to be."

For some reason, my immediate, knee-jerk reaction was to get turned off. The statement just struck me as somewhat cavalier. But within seconds, I realized she was probably right. We could easily re-phrase the statement to say,

"If we want more of God, we'll pursue Him more!"

I often have to stop myself in my tracks when, in my mind, I keep thinking how much I want more of the Lord Jesus, how I want to be closer to Him, to have His presence demonstrated more dramatically in my life, yet, immediately, I think of all the missed opportunities I've had to seek Him--opportunities I've spent watching TV, surfing the Internet, fooling around on Facebook, etc., etc.

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:40). Faith without works is dead (James 2:20, 26).

At some point, we need to stop simply craving Him. We need to put our craving into action and take the necessary steps to actually have, experience, and enjoy more of Him!

Ugh! I'm working on it, Joyce!!!

A Bride for His Son

2012-01-31T20:29:00.000-05:00

"The kingdom of heaven is like unto a certain king, which made a marriage for his son..." Matthew 22:2

"I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word." John 17:6

At work today, suddenly the thought popped into my head: God the Father trusts me with His Son's heart!

I've had this thought before, but I had it so strongly again today.

This is what in-laws do! They hope the person their child marries will love them forever and treat them kindly. They're trusting their child's new spouse with their child's heart.

God the Father, I believe, isn't much different.

I'm no theology Ph.D. and I still struggle to understand concepts like being chosen and predestination--how much responsibility is God's and how much is ours?

In a way, ultimately, everything is up to God and everything is in God's hands: God is the One that draws us unto Himself (Songs 1:4, John 6:44), He is the One that has the power to keep us from falling (Genesis 20:6, Matt 26:41, Jude 1:24), and yet, He tells us to be holy, to follow Him, to pray, to seek Him.

God has expectations of us. He expects us to do certain things and not to do certain things.

And, it is just such a wild thought to me--that God gave us to His Son and that He expects us to take care of His Son's heart!

I was also reminded of the parable of the talents (Matt. 25:14-30):

"For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods..."

The parable goes onto describe how those who rightly handled their master's money, were given more and were promoted.

I've never really thought of this parable in this way, but why can't we think of it this way? God gives us something, we handle it faithfully, responsibly, and He gives us more. If we want more of Jesus, we need to handle what we've already been given with love and care.

God gave us to His Son. He gave His Son--His Son's heart--to us. Jesus gave Himself to us (Song 2:16, 6:3). We have a duty, a responsibility, to take care of and be good stewards over what He has given us!

How awesome is that?! What an unbelievable responsibility!

I haven't always taken good care of His heart. I pray I'll do better from now on. <3

Busy Bee!

2012-01-29T20:38:00.000-05:00

"If you're too busy for God, you're too busy!"

I think Joyce Meyer said that.

In other words, if you're too busy for God, you're too busy period and you need to re-prioritize things in your life!

This saying keeps popping up in my head. I actually don't think I've done too badly considering how drastically my life has changed and how busy I've gotten in the past few weeks: I still listen to scripture daily (I'm still on my Bible reading plan and loving it!), I try to spend some time in prayer and worship every day. But I still probably spend more time on Facebook and watching TV during the week than I need to. After work, when I'm exhausted, it's just easier to plop down on the couch and surf the Internet or watch TV than to spend time on my knees waiting on the Lord. The flesh is so lazy!

This weekend was a bust: Because my time with God feels so rushed during the week, I look forward to weekends, so I can savor some sweet, unrushed, uninterrupted time in Bible study and worship. But I had more book editing stuff to do this weekend. It's off to bed in a little while, then back to the weekly hustle and bustle. So, my spiritual battery might be running kind of low this week. I'll have to pray for extra mercy and grace.

The job is going well, I guess. Kind of hard to gauge as I don't get much feedback. I might think I'm doing well and my supervisors might think I'm doing horribly! LOL! Oh well, I'm doing my best, despite still feeling like I'm recovering (physically and psychologically) from the past 3 years. It's all in God's hands.

I still can't believe how drastically my life has changed. I went from having no prospects, from door after door being slammed in my face, to writing for the U.S. government! How wild is that?!?! Only God could do that! Even if this job doesn't last long, I'm still out of the slump I was in and "U.S. government" has GOT to look great on my resume!

Thank you Jesus for restoration!

OK, shower time! Maybe I can steal a few intimate moments with the Lord before bed! Love yas!

Flawless

2012-01-21T11:56:00.001-05:00

I didn't know whether to title this post "Flawless," "Flaws and All," or "Beautifully Flawed"...

I had a lovely experience with the Lord the other night: I was lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, listening to 1 Samuel and, for some reason, I suddenly felt so grateful in my heart that, with the Lord Jesus, I'd never have to suffer rejection ever again.

God NEVER intended for humans to experience rejection. He created humans for love and acceptance. That's why rejection is so painful and so damaging to the human psyche; it's unnatural. I believe rejection in the formative or childhood years is especially damaging. We can spend the rest of our lives struggling against hurts we experienced as a child.

I experienced A LOT of rejection as a child (one of the first Joyce Meyer books I bought as a teen was The Root of Rejection. I actually met Joyce Meyer and she gave me a hug and autographed my copy, but I digress). I was made fun of and called ugly by different kids, at different times, in different places more times than I can remember. I usually wasn't part of the cliques. On those rare occasions when I was part of a popular clique, I was one of the "lesser" members who had to kowtow to the more powerful leaders. If I did anything to upset them, they'd cuss me out, then freeze me out of the group until "the queen" deemed me worthy to reenter.

To this day, I believe these early childhood experiences are why my relationships with people tend to be so warped. I think, subconsciously, I have a tendency to seek acceptance from every individual I come in contact with. As an adult, whenever I've had a relationship, be it a friendship or a romance, in the back of my mind, I was always terrified that the person was going to get tired of me or realize how weird I was and leave me. This fear of being left caused me to modify my behavior and personality to what I thought the other person wanted, which meant that I always felt like I was "acting," I could never just relax and be myself. This fear of being left caused me to become romantically involved with men who weren't worthy of my love, just because I was so happy someone finally thought I was pretty. Ironically, despite all my efforts to modify my behavior and personality, these people usually ended up leaving me anyway.

To this day, I'm still very much a loner and introvert.

But Jesus is the ONLY Person I can bet my life will never leave me, never get tired of me, never get turned off by my flaws, hangups, or weirdness. That night, I started thinking of Song of Songs 4:7:

"Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee."

I think I've always interpreted this scripture in terms of sin, that Christ removed our sin (our "spot") from us. And, while I still hold to this interpretation, that night, it occurred to me that it also means that in the eyes of Christ, I'm spotless. He doesn't see the flaws in me that the world sees. He doesn't see me as something to reject, as refuse. He sees me as beautiful, fair, something worthy of His love and acceptance. I actually began to weep as I meditated on this.

This wasn't a new revelation for me. But, maybe the new job, being in a new environment, wanting so desperately to please, to fit into this new place, caused me to re-reflect on this truth. It's so easy for me to fall back into that pattern of seeking approval from people and, because of my childhood, this might be something I struggle with for the rest of my life, but time after time, over the course of my life, I've learned--the hard way--that His love is the ONE constant, the only thing I can depend on in this scary world full of flaky, mean people.

The world rejected Jesus. The world rejected me. Jesus accepted me. That's all I need.

"...he hath made us accepted in the beloved." Ephesians 1:6

Love Note 3: "Tarry..."

2012-01-14T04:10:00.001-05:00

OK, it's 3am, I should be sleeping (weekends worsen my insomnia because I tend to stay up late, which messes with my nocturnal clock), but I was lying in bed, listening to Ruth again when I had to jump up and write a love note!

Piggybacking off of my "Beautifully Broken" post (I'm not an Ashlee Simpson fan but I like the title), I'll reiterate that Ruth is such a sweet book, particularly in light of its typical nature. Again, Boaz, as a "type" of Christ is such a heartwarming figure: Though he is "a mighty man of wealth" (Ruth 2:1), and though he could've taken advantage of the situation because of his wealth and because Ruth was gleaning in his field, his approach and dealings with her were so gentle, just as our wealthy, powerful King is so gentle with us.

The scripture that made me jump out of bed was Ruth 3:13:

"Tarry this night, and it shall be in the morning, that if he will perform unto thee the part of a kinsman, well; let him do the kinsman's part: but if he will not do the part of a kinsman to thee, then will I do the part of a kinsman to thee, as the LORD liveth: lie down until the morning."

This is what Boaz said to Ruth when she came to him at night, laid at his feet, and asked him to spread his skirt over her (to marry her).

Two things struck me:

1. Boaz desperately wanted to keep Ruth by his side. TWICE in the same scripture, he told her to remain near him ("Tarry this night..." and "lie down until the morning").

Actually, you can see this theme--Boaz' desire to keep Ruth near him--throughout the story: "Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens" (Ruth 2:8), "At mealtime come thou hither, and eat of the bread..." (Ruth 2:14).

2. Boaz knew that he might potentially lose Ruth the next morning as there was a nearer kinsman who had the legal right to redeem her and become her husband (Ruth 3:12-13). This makes the time they spent together all the more special. It's clear from the story that from the moment he laid eyes on her, he loved her. Yet, the very next day, he could lose her! He knew this! Perhaps this is why twice he asked Ruth to remain near him that night.

This theme of nearness, an almost desperately passionate desire for the Beloved to keep his love near Him, by His side, this jealous, possessive, obsessive love--we see it over and over again throughout the Bible and I've written about it over and over again, especially in my love notes.

But it never gets old, does it?

I never tire of reading about how Jesus loves me with a love that consumes like fire. I never tire of reading that the King wants me to tarry, to remain with Him, by His side, at His feet, in His arms, close to His heart. Now. Always.

Beautifully Broken

2012-01-14T00:41:00.001-05:00

"The voice of the LORD breaketh the cedars; yea, the LORD breaketh the cedars of Lebanon." Psalm 29:5

"The LORD maketh poor, and maketh rich: he bringeth low, and lifteth up." 1 Samuel 2:7

"See now that I, even I, am he, and there is no god with me: I kill, and I make alive; I wound, and I heal..." Deuteronomy 32:39

"In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider: God also hath set the one over against the other, to the end that man should find nothing after him." Ecclesiastes 7:14

"Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell." Proverbs 23:13-14

I'm learning to love God in both the good and easy times and in the not-so-good, hard times. I emphasize "learning" because several years of Word-of-faith/prosperity gospel indoctrination isn't eradicated overnight. It took me awhile to learn that suffering was virtually a guaranteed part of the faith walk and that it was not necessarily indicative of sin or a lack of faith, but it is God's method for refining us.

I said all that to say that I've come to appreciate the chastening of the Lord: This was my second week on the job and, I've gotta say, I was starting to feel a bit comfortable, less intimidated, even--dare I say--confident. But, today, I made a total fool of myself. There wasn't one, dramatic, embarrassing incident; I just felt totally off my game all day: When people spoke to me, it was as if I wasn't comprehending what they were saying. I felt lost. I made stupid mistakes. And I don't think my ditzy-ness went unnoticed by management (bear in mind, I'm a new hire and probably on some 90-day probationary period).

But let me back up a bit. My insomnia began rearing its ugly head again, so for the past several nights, I've been on a steady medicinal diet of hops/melatonin/chamomile/a bunch of other herbs/diphenhydramine/zolpidem. Despite all the pills, my sleep was still choppy and the pills tended to leave my brain with a groggy/foggy effect the next day.

Anyway, since I've started this job, it's been my daily habit to bow, worship, and pray before leaving the house. I didn't want to give God those rushed, two second, drive-thru prayers; I actually wanted to take the time (if only five minutes) to kneel with my face to the ground before Him in worship, asking Him to bless the work of my hands, bless my day, give me knowledge, understanding, help, and protection. I also tried to squeeze in a little time at night for worship and a brief bible study.

Well, I began to slack off a bit. When I came home, I relaxed, watched a bit of TV, ate dinner, had a shower, then went to bed. I still had my morning worship time, but I guess I began to lose focus. This morning, I neglected my prayer/worship time altogether (actually, I gave God a two second, drive-thru prayer).

Even though I was groggy and mentally foggy on other days, I still worshiped and prayed for God to carry me through the day and, miraculously, I believe He did. I went to work and felt like I did a relatively good job. God's power overrode my grogginess on those days.

But...truth be told...because I've done OK on the job, I do believe a bit of pride/cockiness/arrogance began to seep into the deepest inner recesses of my heart, sort of an "I got this" attitude. Deep down, I know I can't do ANYTHING without Jesus' help (John 15:5)! I can't walk down a street without Jesus' help, much less learn complex computer software and write for the U.S. government...but...maybe I needed to be reminded of that! I needed be reminded that even though my relationship with the Lord has deepened and we've grown closer, I can't take Him for granted, ignore Him, and assume that He'll jump when I snap my fingers because I'm His little sweetheart. The safest place in the world is down on my face in worship. As I said in my "Love Notes 2: Made to Love Him" post, our primary purpose in this life is to love and worship Him. That's all. He'll take care of every other aspect of our lives.

God keeps refining us. The Father wants us to be just like His Son. So when His Holy Spirit searches our hearts and spots the tiniest bit of darkness, ugliness, or pride in us, He comes along with His heavenly weed whacker and lops it off. And...I'm grateful...even though it hurts.

God, thank you for breaking me, for humbling me. Once again, I've got to get back down on my knees and ask Him to clean up the mess I've made. Prayerfully, the three-day weekend will help everyone at my workplace forget my Friday stupidity. I also brought the company laptop home so I could maybe finish up one project and get a jump start on another.

I love God. I really do. And when I'm humiliated, when I make an absolute fool of myself, when I'm knocked down a few rungs, I've actually learned to be grateful, thankful.

Today I listened to Ruth, arguably, the sweetest love story in the Bible. Every time I read it, my heart is just so tickled by how sweetly, almost shyly Boaz courts her. He provides her with nourishment and protection and when she lays at his feet (after washing herself (Eph 5:26), anointing herself (Acts 2), and putting on her garments (Isaiah 61:3, Esther 5:1, Eph. 6:13)), he doesn't want her to leave (Ruth 3:13) and can't rest until he has purchased her to be his wife (Ruth 3:18)! Of course, this true love story represents Christ's love for us.

Our walk with God, especially in this contemporary, stressful, fast-paced world, often requires constant refocusing. The feet of Jesus, that's where I need to be, now and always, humbled, loving Him, receiving nourishment, and protection from Him.

Thank you God for reminding me of that!

"Ain't Nothin' Goin' on But the Rent!"

2012-01-09T19:32:00.002-05:00

Remember the "My Crazy/Boring/Weird/Fun Life" post? Well, my life is still crazy, boring, weird, and fun!

OK...where to begin?

Well, I started the new job 1/05/12 and...so far...things aren't too bad. It's a little hard getting back into the swing of life after three years: getting up at 6:30am to the lovely screaming of an alarm clock, going to work, sitting at a desk for 8 hours, coming home, having a quick dinner and shower, then back to bed, struggling with insomnia, catching a Z or two, then beginning the lovely dance again the next day.

But, I'm not complaining, really. This is what I prayed for, to feel like a contributing member of society again, to break out of my doing nothing/going nowhere rut, to build my bank account back up, to get some desperately-needed career experience under my belt.

And the job is kinda interesting. It's pretty much just writing and editing content for user manuals for government software, but I find that kinda thing a little interesting (I have a warped sense of amusement, I know!).

So basically, I want to get used to the groove of life again: God and work, work and God, a simplified life.

Well, things aren't as simple as I wish they were!:

Mom asked the landlord to fix a few things and he went all Sybil on us!!! He started insulting my mother via email with statements like, "You must be under the influence of something!" "It's not gonna happen!" When he started acting all loony, I Googled his name and discovered that he was in the news last year for getting arrested for unlawful entry and solicitation of a (male) prostitute!

Seriously?!?! Do you see what I mean?! I don't go looking for drama, but drama always finds me. So for about a week, my mother was threatening to break the lease and he was threatening to sue us (because both our names our on the lease, I could be sued as well, to the tune of $15,000 to $20,000!)! This past Saturday, the landlord left me a voicemail saying "Life is too short for this...if you and your mom want, you can look for another place to live and I'll just re-rent the unit..." I responded to him via email asking where this left us regarding our security and breaking the lease, but he has yet to respond to me.

This apartment is a bit cruddy and it is expensive ($1500.00) so, even though I hated the drama, I was actually looking forward to possibly getting out of here and finding something nicer and more reasonable but, as previously stated, rents out here are insane!!! Almost all the places in the "cheap" $1200-$1500 range have bad reviews online, with people complaining of mice, roaches, and gang activity in the buildings and/or complexes.

So we seriously need to believe God to help us. We want out, the landlord wants us out, we don't have much money left to move a 2nd time, and we certainly don't want to live with mice, roaches, or gang members.

To top it off, both my sisters (both single mothers) are really struggling financially; one of them just lost her car (it was parked and some guy rammed a car, which rammed another car, which rammed my sister's car, before her car rammed the parked car in front of hers. Neither she nor her children were in the car, thank God, and I don't believe anyone else was hurt, but, seriously, what are the odds?!?!).

*Sigh!* The journey never ends, huh?! God delivers us in one area and, before we can even catch our breath, there's something else to conquer. The Israelites were oppressed by the Egyptians. After God delivered them from Egypt, then it was onto the wilderness, and then war in Canaan.

Well, I'm gonna take a shower. Then prayer, bible study, and sleep (I hope! I had a terrible bout of insomnia last night--think I got maybe 1-2 hours...maybe!).

So the adventure resumes! I'm waiting to see what the Lord will do next!

"Man's goings [are] of the LORD; how can a man then understand his own way?" Proverbs 20:24

Love Note 2: Made to Love Him

2012-01-02T16:31:00.001-05:00

1Now king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.

2Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.

3So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king.

4And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not.

1 Kings 1:1-4

I've always been somewhat intrigued by the biblical figure Abishag (the beautiful, mysterious, sought-out virgin, with whom king David did not have sexual relations, and who many biblical scholars also believe was the female protagonist in the Song of Songs). I think, when I first read about her, I was a bit horrified that this woman was essentially being used as a human blanket. But I eventually realized that I was reading this passage as a contemporary American feminist and not as a servant of Jesus Christ.

I believe God filled the Bible--and thus life and nature, from which the biblical stories sprang--with analogies that help us better understand Him: For example, I believe the physical intimacy between a husband and wife is an analogy for the deep spiritual intimacy we are to experience with the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe the pain of childbirth is an analogy for the pain Christ experienced in birthing us (I believe John 16:21 also loosely alludes to this).

Thus, the fact that Abishag's sole function was to stand before the king, to cherish him, to minister unto him, and to lie in his bosom is, I believe, a beautiful analogy, a reminder of our sole purpose in life: We are here to love Him. We EXIST to love Him and to minister unto Him. That's all!

One of my favorite scriptures--Colossians 1:16--states, in part, that "all things were created by him and for him."

I just love that so much! I was created to love Jesus. That's all!

Most likely, I'll start my new job this week and I anticipate my life becoming busier, more hectic, and more stressful. I anticipate more mini-meltdowns and freakouts. But I need to remind myself of this little nugget from time to time when I allow the stresses of life to distract me and overwhelm me: My sole purpose in life, my sole reason for existing, is to love and minister unto the King. That's all.

Happy 2012!

2011-12-31T18:31:00.000-05:00

Well, Jesus did it again! Despite my Carrie Heffernan-esque behavior, He blessed and helped us again: A couple days ago, mom and I had just woken up. It was the day we had to move our stuff in (after that whole truck trailer debacle)! Anyway, early in the morning, the doorbell rings. A few seconds later, it's ringing again. Neither my mother nor I knows anyone in the area or was expecting company (especially early in the morning), so we were both startled.

"Just a minute," my mom says after the second ring. When the third ring came shortly thereafter, I shouted, "Just a minute!" OK, maybe shout is an exaggeration, but I'm sure the annoyance in my raised voice was clear. I was in my underwear, mom was totally disheveled, so I'm frantically trying to put my robe on and make my bed head look slightly presentable.

I open the door and some guy is standing there. "Sorry to have disturbed you. I'm the former tenant. I just wanted to drop off the keys," he says. Of course, I felt a little bad that I had raised my voice. I took the three keys from the guy and gave them to my mother and we proceeded to get ready for a day full of moving fun!

Well, last night we spent our last night in PA (we had to gather up the remainder of our stuff). We headed back to our new home state today. We left the keys to our old place on the kitchen counter in PA for the landlord to retrieve. So, after a 4+ hour drive, we get to our new place and my mother can't open the door (we'd only been given one key by the new landlord). She's trying every key on her ring and not one is working. Apparently, she'd left the wrong key--the key to our new apartment--on the kitchen counter in our old place in PA. Bear in mind, I have to tinkle so, in exasperation, I just sit on the step in front of our front door in discomfort while mom texts the new landlord (who lives in a different city) to tell him that we're locked out. He texts that he can come over to let us in, but who knows how long that'll take. I'm tired, hungry, I have to use the bathroom, and we're locked out of our apartment. This is so typical, I think to myself.

At that moment, mom suddenly remembers that the former tenant had dropped off a couple extra keys and that she had dropped these keys down in her purse. She digged in her purse, found them, and unlocked the door! Yay!!! Crisis over!!!

Sort of like when we got a refund from that crummy hotel in Philadelphia, this was just another little miracle that we knew was from God. The former tenant, probably running late for work, which is why he was laying on the doorbell that morning, decided to drop the keys off to us. He could've mailed them to the landlord, he could've dropped them off or mailed them some other time. But God, knowing that we'd be locked out only a couple days later, had him drop them off that day and had my mother drop them into her purse. Meanwhile, I'm all snappy, answering the door with a "Just a minute!!!"

Oh boy!

2012, a new year approaches. New Year's Eve and New Year's Day always make me a little sad. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I have a tendency to catalog all my failures and shortcomings from the previous year. But I have a new job, a new place to live, and a new book coming out (the despair and devastation I wrote about in my first blog post all seem like a bad dream now). This is a very exciting, very scary time for me. Like a spoiled princess, I haven't been on my best behavior of late. There's been quite a bit of crabbiness, some complaining, some ingratitude, some doubt. "EC wants to fall deeper in love with Jesus in 2012. That's it!" was my Facebook and Twitter statuses today. And I really mean that. I want to love Jesus more, trust Him more; less complaining, more thanksgiving and gratitude, more fruit of the Spirit (with His help, of course!).

I'm going to spend some quiet time with God tonight. The past few weeks have been very busy, very stressful, very frantic, very noisy. I need to quiet my soul and refocus on the One I love and the One who loves me. I want to begin 2012 in His arms! New Year, New Beginnings!

Happy New Year to you! I'll see you in 2012!

"The LORD bless thee, and keep thee:

"The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:

"The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace." Numbers 6:24-26

A Different Kind of Nice

2011-12-29T21:48:00.006-05:00

I've learned something about myself through this whole experience: I'm not nice. Well, maybe I shouldn't say I'm not nice, maybe I'm just a different kind of nice. I mean--I'm not exactly a mean person, I just doubt I'll ever win any congeniality awards in my lifetime.

We're all moved in (well, almost. We have to make one more trip to PA tomorrow (yay!) to get a handful of stuff); boxes are everywhere. I still haven't started the job--I think I finally got the final verification today (because this job involves the government, they had to verify my employment dates and rates of pay with all my former employers). Much of the delay was due to the crappy background check agency they hired (they did a really lousy job! Even though I provided phone numbers for everybody, the agency kept telling the company they couldn't verify this or couldn't verify that. I had to go behind them and call almost everybody. When a piece of information wasn't clear, even though I submitted a thorough explanation of the unclear information, the agency still submitted a report to the company that they couldn't verify those items, causing further delay! UGH!!!)).

Another delay was due in part to one of my former employers being on vacation; then when she finally got back and sent the verification, the HR woman's email went down and she kept saying she never received it. So I had to keep hassling my former boss to resend it.

Ironically, even though I initially requested to begin the job the 1st week in January, once they told me they wanted me to start 12/26 (turns out they forgot they were closed 12/26, btw), I had already psyched myself up and prepared to start this week. So every day, I woke up on pins and needles, with knots in my stomach, all nervous, not knowing if today was my day to start. I actually got to the point where I just wanted to start and get it over with.

Anyway, while all this verification nonsense was going on--nonstop emailing and calling back and forth--we had drama with the moving company: We hired a trucking company and we figured we'd hire men to move us out and men in the new state to move us in. Well, apparently, the condo association doesn't allow truck trailer-pods to remain on the premises and that's usually how this trucking company operates (they drop the back end of the trailer off on the premises, allow the customer to unload it, then they pick it back up in a day or two). So, after we discover we're not allowed to let the trailer sit there--actually, a trailer that large isn't even allowed on the condo's premises--we had to figure out a way to move our stuff in and then what to do with the trailer afterwards: Park the truck trailer across the street and have the moving guys carry giant items like sofas and a freezer all the way back to the complex?! Leave the trailer on the street overnight and get a fine and/or towing fees?! Take a chance, bring the trailer onto the condo's premises and pay any/all the condo's associated fines--which could run into hundreds of dollars and possibly even result in us being asked to leave?!

We ended up having to rent another truck, a smaller Budget rental truck from another moving company, drive an hour to the trucking company's terminal, have movers transfer the items from the giant trailer to the smaller Budget rental truck, drive the hour back to our place, then have the movers move the stuff in. We ended up helping so as to decrease the amount of time we'd end up paying for (and it was pretty cold outside!). All told, it took A WEEK for us to get our stuff. We've been living in the new state without our stuff for a week, which meant constant trips to Walmart for food, toiletries, and basic necessities.

Anyway, with all these things, and there were more--I just gave the highlights--I've been so ugly and grouchy the past few weeks. My prayer/worship time has been minimal--just those quick, "drive-thru prayers" in the mornings and evenings. If I had to compare my personality (both in general, but especially lately) to those of fictional characters, I'd probably have to say I most remind myself of Carrie Heffernan ("The King of Queens") or Ralph Kramden ("The Honeymooners"). I haven't been cussing (for the most part), but I have regularly referred to people as "moron," "idiot," "stupid," "dummy," etc., etc. Even if I don't always verbalize these things, I often think them.

This is not what Jesus would do. This is not the fruit of the Spirit! Anyway, I was listening to James yesterday and today and felt so guilty when I got to this section:

21Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.

22But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

23For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:

24For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.

25But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.

26If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.

27Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

James 1:21-27

I'm just kicking myself so much right now! When am I going to GET IT?!?! When am I going to get this Christian thing right?!?! Just when I think I've reached a certain level of spiritual maturity, something stressful happens and the ugliness comes out! I can't imagine Darlene Zschech or one of the sweet, worshipful Hillsong United kids (whose music I love so much) acting like this or spewing out that kind of venom!

I try to cut myself some slack: I'm tired all the time and I have low energy, which can make anyone grouchy (I have anemia), I was PMSing, I'm usually feeling nauseous and dizzy (might be a blood sugar thing), I've had a very stressful past three years full of litigation, etc. But I know these are still no excuse! The Bible doesn't say "walk in love (Ephesians 5:2), so long as you're not PMSing, sick, or stressed out!" As a matter of fact, when we walk in love and bear the fruit of the Spirit ESPECIALLY under really trying circumstances, that shows how much we've matured spiritually. It's easy to walk in love when you're feeling good and everything's great.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I'm not a mean person, really. I do care about people, I'll give someone the shirt off my back and I have done some REALLY nice things for family members and strangers, even family members who haven't been particularly kind to me in the past. But I'm just not one of those warm and fuzzy people to whom sweetness comes naturally.

I suppose, if nothing else, when I exhibit behavior like this, it just reminds me of who and what I am APART FROM Christ. Any beauty or goodness that I have or that I ever exhibit is because of Him. In and of myself, I'm mean, nasty, grumpy, and grouchy. When I act like this, it's just another reminder that I need more of the Word, more of Him, more of the Holy Spirit.

*Sigh* I've really got a long way to go!

Dear Lord Jesus, please help Your pathetic child! She's such a mess!

God's Gift of Himself

2011-12-26T15:09:00.003-05:00

I wasn't online yesterday, but I hope everyone had a blessed Christmas. It didn't feel like Christmas for us, what with all the hustle and bustle, packing and unpacking. We didn't exchange gifts (neither of us had time to shop!), we bought a Stouffer's lasagna, I bleached down the place, we ate, then went to bed. But Christmas isn't about material items, is it? It's the day we remember and celebrate God the Father's gift of love to the world and Christ's gift of Himself to us!

How ironic that on Jesus' birthday, He was the One doing the gift giving!

I was thinking about that yesterday--the fact that the Bible says that God BELONGS to us! How unbelievably, unfathomably awesome is that?! God BELONGS to us! Don't believe me? It's in there:

"My beloved is mine, and I am his..." Song of Songs 2:16

"I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine..." Song of Songs 6:3

"The LORD is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup..." Psalm 16:5

"Therefore shall [the Levites] have no inheritance among their brethren: the LORD [is] their inheritance, as he hath said unto them." Deuteronomy 18:2

We belong to God (Psalm 119:94)--that's a given! But He also belongs to us (I believe this refers to Christians, of course)! Jesus BELONGS to us! That thought is just so wild to me!!!

But, I guess that's why God likens His relationship with us to that of a husband and wife:

"The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife." 1 Corinthians 7:4

Also

"For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

"This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church." Ephesians 5:30-32

Do you realize that God actually PERMANENTLY changed His form for our sakes?! God not only clothed Himself in a human body (a body made from dirt!), a human body which would eventually bear scars in its hands, feet, and side, He chose to remain in this scarred, human body for all eternity! Such is His commitment to us!:

"Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil..." Hebrews 2:14

I also think about the fact that the scriptures state that a man shall leave father and mother and cleave to his wife. Jesus isn't technically "leaving" God the Father, but in a strange sort of way, He is. It seems as though, since the creation of Man, Jesus' sole focus has been humanity. It's almost as if God the Father, the King, has chosen a bride for His Son, the Prince. Now married, the Prince and His bride are expected to go off and prepare a life together.

These are amazing scriptures and truths that I reflect upon whenever I'm tempted to feel alone or abandoned, or during those times when God is a little quiet or seems a little distant--God BELONGS to me! My Husband, my Beloved CAN'T keep Himself from me! This is still too awesome for me to fully grasp! Every time I think of it, my brain sort of short circuits!

In slightly less spiritual matters, we found a place to live! We're renting a condo for $1500.00. Yeah, it's a little steeper than what I was hoping to pay, but it's about 3 min. from the job by car. I struggle with insomnia and driving phobia, so this short distance is a good thing; I don't want or need the stress of a long commute right now. We're just going to have to trust God that we'll have the rent money every month. The condo itself and grounds are OK, not horrendous, not fabulous, but, again, it's doable, it's livable for a year. I'm just gonna flow with whatever God is doing right now.

Haven't started the job yet. Still waiting for a job verification or two to come in. Most likely I'll start before the week is out though. Very nervous, a little excited, quite intimidated. But, I suppose this is a great opportunity for me to trust God--I CANNOT do this without His help.

Well, I guess that's all for now. Talk 2 u soon! Love yas!

More Musings on Faith and Trust

2011-12-23T05:07:00.000-05:00

Deuteronomy 1 was included in my Bible Reading schedule yesterday (yeah, I've switched again: http://www.navpress.com/uploadedFiles/BRP2.pdf; I double up on the daily readings and really like this plan so far...we'll see if I fall behind if/when I begin working full time--but I digress). Though I listened to this portion of scripture several times, I guess I hadn't really applied it to my situation, because when I laid down to sleep and listened to it again, I began weeping (my reflection on scripture often brings me to tears--I know, I'm a crybaby!) as I listened and further mused on faith, the temptation to fear, and trust, I was struck by several things:

24And [the Israelite spies] turned and went up into the mountain, and came unto the valley of Eshcol, and searched it out.

25And they took of the fruit of the land in their hands, and brought it down unto us, and brought us word again, and said, It is a good land which the LORD our God doth give us.

26Notwithstanding ye would not go up, but rebelled against the commandment of the LORD your God:

27And ye murmured in your tents, and said, Because the LORD hated us, he hath brought us forth out of the land of Egypt, to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us.

28Whither shall we go up? our brethren have discouraged our heart, saying, The people is greater and taller than we; the cities are great and walled up to heaven; and moreover we have seen the sons of the Anakims there.

29Then I said unto you, Dread not, neither be afraid of them.

30The LORD your God which goeth before you, he shall fight for you, according to all that he did for you in Egypt before your eyes;

31And in the wilderness, where thou hast seen how that the LORD thy God bare thee, as a man doth bear his son, in all the way that ye went, until ye came into this place.

32Yet in this thing ye did not believe the LORD your God,

33Who went in the way before you, to search you out a place to pitch your tents in, in fire by night, to shew you by what way ye should go, and in a cloud by day.

34And the LORD heard the voice of your words, and was wroth, and sware, saying,

35Surely there shall not one of these men of this evil generation see that good land, which I sware to give unto your fathers.

Deuteronomy 1:24-35

It so heartbreaking that, when it came right down to it, the Israelites simply didn't believe that God loved them or that He had good intentions for them (unfortunately, I can't say I've NEVER thought that bad things were happening to me because God hated me and wanted to hurt me). Why is it so hard for humans to trust? Because we've been hurt and disappointed so many times (not necessarily by God but by the individuals who've crossed our paths in life)? Notice the scriptures state that God fought for the Israelites, carried them through the wilderness, went before them, and searched out a place of rest and settlement for them. Isn't this EXACTLY what I'm asking, believing, and trusting God for?! I needed to be reminded of this portion of scripture.

More and more, I'm realizing that a lack of faith is actually doubting God's love and not fully knowing and/or understanding His character in disguise.

Isn't that what 1 John 4:18 is talking about? "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."

If/when we fear, if/when we fail to trust, it's an indication that we still do not have a complete revelation or understanding of Christ's love for us.

This has to break God's heart. Maybe the response of anger we see in Deuteronomy is actually heartbreak.

Yikes! 5am, I still haven't slept and I still have more packing to do and business phone calls to make today. We gotta be out by Saturday. OK, time to eat, then sleep.

Love yas!

"For We Walk By Faith..."

2011-12-23T02:25:00.000-05:00

"By faith Abraham, when he was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed; and he went out, not knowing whither he went." Hebrews 11:8

I am literally living this scripture right now! Almost everything is moved out of my house and I have absolutely NO IDEA where I'm going! I know the state I'm moving to, but, as of yet, I have no address.

Furthermore, I keep getting phone calls from the HR woman stating that they're having problems verifying this or that information about my work history and that I will be unable to start until they have this information verified.

I suppose I have a slight concern that the company will just lose patience and say, "This chick is too much trouble! We're rescinding our offer!" Then, I will have moved out assuming I had a job that later fell through.

Oddly enough, I'm not as panicked as I probably should be (I'm seriously gonna try to avoid further childish freak outs!). I'm actually pretty calm. I feel like God is doing something, I'm just not sure what. He's moving me out of this dead town, dead city, dead state--that HAS to be a good thing! The new state I'm moving to has to have more job opportunities than this place. If this job falls through, God must have something else in mind.

I often think of Mary and of how she "pondered things in her heart" (Luke 2:19, 51). I think it's possible that the magnitude of the responsibility and honor God had given her, of Who her Son truly was--Almighty God come in the flesh!--and of What He would do and accomplish--God dying, allowing His creation to slaughter Him so He could return and save them--perhaps the FULL magnitude of all of this hadn't been fully grasped by sweet, young Mary and, instead, rather than speculating, she simply pondered these things in her heart. She knew God was doing something amazing and she would just wait and see exactly what it was. Just a thought...

That's what I'm doing. I'm not sure what God is doing, but I truly feel in my heart that He's doing something. My housing situation is up in the air, my job situation is up in the air, even if the job does come through, it's still intimidating (writing for the government, complex software I'm totally unfamiliar with) but...I will wait. I will watch and wait and love and trust.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

"He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

"And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD." Psalm 40:1-3

Speechless!

2011-12-21T04:27:00.001-05:00

After 3 long, nightmarish years (many of u know the story), I've got a new technical writer job, a new book coming out, a new place to live, new beginnings!!! "Thank you, Lord Jesus" just seems...wholly inadequate! Once again, His love has left me speechless! Psalm 30:11 <3

That's what I posted on Facebook a little while ago. I was praying and I just began to weep when I thought of what the Lord has done in my life. I wept when I was first told I'd gotten the position. I'm not sure I've ever wept for joy in my entire life (I've wept an innumerable amount of times from sorrow and sadness)! Three years ago, my married boss tried to sleep with me. I refused his advances, things got ugly, the company sided with him, and lawyers proceeded to rip my life apart. My career was left in shambles. The psychotherapy, anti-anxiety drugs, antidepressants, and sleep medications made me feel like a psychotic loony toon. My life was an absolute wreck and I couldn't see past the wreckage. In fact, when I started this blog, my life was still a wreck. Remember what I wrote?:

There's something wrong with me...something I can't fully describe...lately I feel...restless, bored, stir crazy, just plain crazy, frustrated, bitter, jealous, apathetic, pathetic...all these crazy emotions whirling and swirling around inside of me. And, as a Christian, I'm seeking solace in God, but He's been a bit quiet lately...playing hide and seek, I guess (Isa. 45:15, Sgs. 5:6).

At some point, I'll probably give you my full biography, but, suffice it to say that I'm at a point in my life where I'm...sort of...well...stuck...lost: For the past three years, I was bogged down in a legal quagmire. While this experience ended somewhat favorably for me, it definitely took a toll on me physically, emotionally, and professionally. Around this time, I also moved to a remote city/town to begin a Ph.D. program, but I quickly burned out and left the program.

So now, I'm living in the middle of nowhere...no job...no projects...no prospects...

Now, everything has changed. I've apologized to God several times for my mini-freakout the other night (in my defense, I really think my publisher pushed me over the edge more than anything else). All the hours and hours and days and years I spent, day after day, night after night, crying and praying, praying and crying. God saw. God heard. God answered.

I've been blessed and I truly am grateful and thankful. I feel like Sarah, giving birth to a son after all her years of waiting and humiliation; like Joseph, after he was freed from prison and made governor; like the Israelites after they were freed from Egypt. When you see the hand of God move in your life so dramatically, it takes your breathe away...leaves you...speechless.

"God hath made me to laugh, [so that] all that hear will laugh with me." Genesis 21:6

"Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness..." Psalm 30:11

A Word in Season

2011-12-18T02:42:00.000-05:00

"When the enemy tells you you’re going to fail at something, do it anyway. Nothing is more frightening than never changing." -- Joyce Meyer

That's what Joyce Meyer tweeted and wrote on Facebook yesterday! How wild is that considering my last post?!

"Peace, Be Still"

2011-12-17T17:40:00.002-05:00

OK, time to regroup...

Forgive me for coming off like a spoiled, whiny, ungrateful brat yesterday! I think it was just sheer exhaustion talking (maybe a bit of a chemical imbalance too). Apartment hunting, learning complex software, mom's surgery, back and forth on the train and in and out of hotels, the inundation of emails and business phone calls, trying to get my book project finished, etc.--I think a mini-meltdown was almost inevitable!

Well, sometimes a good night's sleep works wonders!

I think I also may have a strong fear of failure, of looking stupid, of disappointing my parents: Before I was accepted into my Ph.D. program, I prayed that if it wasn't God's will, to keep the door closed, but that if it was His will, to open the door. Well, I was accepted into the program, but I completely bombed out, making a total fool of myself. These things were never said to me directly but the looks on peoples' faces (professors and fellow students) and a few subtle comments implied, "What is she doing here?!" "She doesn't belong here!" "How did she get into this program?! I guess it accepts anybody!"

Did God open that door? If so, why did I fail so miserably?

I guess a small part of me is afraid of relocating, then bombing out of this job the way I did in my Ph.D. program.

I felt like such a fool. I felt like I'd let my parents down. I so desperately want them to be proud of me. I so desperately want to stop being a loser and a failure, the kind of person society disregards, ignores, and doesn't take seriously.

Mom and I had a nice chat last night before going to bed. She told me I was probably imagining the job to be more difficult than it would actually be, after all, it was advertised as an entry level position. And that even if we "miss" God, He'll find us! If I've made a mistake and this job isn't God's will, He'll still help us to survive and bounce back. I just have to trust Him.

And in all fairness to my publisher, Amazon/Createspace, I received an email from them today stating that the double $50.00 charge was a mistake and that I'd only be charged $50.00 for the round of editing. Part of me suspects that it was a genuine mistake, another part of me wonders if they removed the extra charge as a courtesy because they saw I was about to pop a blood vessel! Maybe I should cut myself a few slices of humble pie and send them an apology email (I didn't cuss at them or anything, but I did use a lot of exclamation marks and threatened to never use their services again).

I probably need to apologize to Daddy as well, for acting like such a spoiled, ungrateful princess. I meant what I said--I don't want to be like the Israelites. I've been so miserable and have begged God to restore my life for the past several years. Now, things are finally changing and I'm crabbing and complaining about that as well! God, have mercy on your pathetic children!!!

OK, I'm gonna have some quiet time (some prayer and Bible study) now, then it's time to pack, study my software, and finalize the book editing.

Day by day, moment by moment, resting in Him.

"Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the LORD hath dealt bountifully with thee." Psalm 116:7

"The LORD will give strength unto his people; the LORD will bless his people with peace." Psalm 29:11

The Scream

2011-12-16T23:01:00.003-05:00

Sorry, but this is going to be an angry, ranting post! I just need to vent!!! I seriously wish I owned a punching bag right now!!!

OK, so this company says they want me! Yay!!! I'll give you a little more insight: One of this company's clients is the U.S. government! That's right, I'd be doing technical writing for the U.S. government. So, even though the salary is OK (not fabulous, but OK), this just seemed like an opportunity I couldn't pass up (not to mention the fact that this was the only company to show interest in me in months and my bank account is almost empty)!

Well, of course, with the holidays so close upon us, I'm thinking I probably wouldn't need to start until after the holidays, sometime in early January, right? OH NO!!! They want me to start 12/26!!! That's right! I got hired 12/09 and they want me to start 12/26!! This gives me two weeks to pack, find an apartment in another state, and try to get a very basic understanding of two very complex software programs I'll be using. Piece of cake, right?!

But first I have to go through a background check. So, I'm holding my breath hoping that the sexual harassment litigation with my former employer doesn't resurface (I was the plaintiff, but some companies still automatically blame the victim and don't want an employee who causes trouble). So I'm going to be moving to another state on blind faith--what if I get there and they tell me that with the results of my background check, they no longer want me?!

So, literally EVERY DAY, I'm getting phone calls and emails from the company's HR person and the background check company asking for information, submission of documents, etc.

Meanwhile, my mother had surgery (not super major but not super minor either), so mom and I have been back and forth on the train, in hotels, etc.

To top it all off, I just had to send a couple of angry emails to my publisher, Amazon's Createspace: Writers are allowed to make changes to a manuscript even after it's been submitted to them. With the way I understood their policy, the first 80 changes are free, any additional changes (totaling up to 80) would cost $50.00.

I think I may have submitted 80 changes, but with all the going back and forth, I lost count and I think I eventually ended up submitting 83 changes. With those last 3 changes, I included a message in the "Notes" section stating that I wasn't sure if I'd hit my 80 quota and that if those additional 3 changes put me over the count, to disregard them. Well, Createspace completed those additional 3 changes. I figured either those last 3 changes were included in my 80 or that Createspace had thrown them in as a courtesy.

Well, it turns out I discovered one final thing I wanted to change. I submitted for that change and was informed that I'd be charged $50.00. OK, I was cool with that. I figured, if I'm going to pay the $50.00 anyway, I might as well tighten up the manuscript even further and get the full 80 changes I was paying for. So I spend five hours today trying to finalize the manuscript. When I check my Createspace messages, I see that I'm being charged $50.00 for the 3 changes I submitted previously and another $50.00 for any new changes. I flipped! Why weren't those 3 changes included in my new round of 80? I'm more angry about the principle than the price.

I really wanted to have all this book stuff finalized before I started work since the new job would probably suck up all my time and energy and after working 40+ hours, I wouldn't want to come home to edit a manuscript! Now it looks like this book nightmare is going to drag on even longer!

Last but not least, the apartment hunt ISN'T going well at all. Rents in the area near my new job are insane!!! $1200/month is considered extremely cheap rent in that area and those "cheap" apartments are crappy (as in people complaining online about cockroaches and rats in the building) and few and far between.

I actually started crying a little while ago, more out of exhaustion and frustration than out of sadness. I should be excited, but I'm just overwhelmed!

I didn't want to start a new job flustered and burned out; I wanted to start rested and refreshed!

I've also been so grouchy and crabby lately!! No fruit of the Spirit whatsoever!! And this is upsetting to me as well: When am I going to get this?! When will I get to the point where I can go through all kinds of difficulty and still bear the fruit of the Spirit and find peace and rest in the Lord?

I don't want to be like the Israelites: For years, they begged God to free them from bondage in Egypt. When He finally freed them, they spent all their time in the wilderness complaining about what He wasn't doing for them and how miserable they were and how they wished they could return to Egypt!

This should be a happy, exciting time for me, a new phase in my life, a new adventure. Instead, I'm just scared, exhausted, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I've even begun to question whether this is really God. Joyce Meyer has talked about how when we're in the will of God, there's grace and a "holy ease."

I'm not feeling that ease right now!

Jesus, the God of Restoration

2011-12-09T22:03:00.001-05:00

Psalm 126

¹When the LORD turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream.

²Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The LORD hath done great things for them.

³The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad.

⁴Turn again our captivity, O LORD, as the streams in the south.

⁵They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.

⁶He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

I got it! I got it! I got it!

I got the technical writing job!!!

OK, let me back up a bit...

So, you know how after a job interview, you replay the whole thing over in your head...every question they asked, every answer you gave, how they may have processed your responses, etc. That's what I did and, of course, I replayed and analyzed to the point of stressing. I thought I did OK on the interview, but wasn't sure if I hit it out of the ballpark (then again, I thought I hit that Christian media editor job interview out of the ballpark and it turned out to be a dud!). After the interview, Mom and I stopped by the supermarket to grab some food and water. I was half expecting to find a "Dear EC, thanks for interviewing with us today, however..." email when I got back to the hotel. I got to the hotel, checked my email--no rejection email, but no acceptance either.

So by Thursday night, I was feeling a bit down, beating myself up, stressing over all the money we'd spent on the trip (gas, tolls, hotel, food, etc.) and how this would put an even bigger dent in our finances once we got back home.

We got home about 2:30 pm today (I didn't receive any phone calls during the trip back either). I checked my email and got a "Dear EC, I have an update on your status..." email from the company's recruiter. She wanted to know when she could speak with me.

So, I'm thinking, "She could easily have sent a rejection email. Why would she need to speak with me just to tell me I didn't get the job?" But on the flipside, I thought, "Maybe this company likes the personal touch and if they're going to reject a candidate, they'd rather do it via phone." Ugh!!!

So, about 2 1/2 hours later, she finally calls--her voice sounds kinda sad and my heart drops. But she says, "Congratulations. You've been selected." I felt like I'd been shot, it was the weirdest, most numbing moment. The chorus of Jewel's song, "Down So Long" has been playing over and over in my head for such a long time, the thought of something positive happening to me seemed a million miles away. But the recruiter is supposed to be sending the official offer over on Monday.

I'm excited, terrified, overwhelmed...in a good way, in a bad way--we gotta find a new place to live, start packing, clean the old place, etc. About an hour ago, I was in the shower and I suddenly started to bawl, to cry hysterically. But good tears. I began thanking the Lord Jesus, thanking the Father. I feel like Joseph after he was released from prison and promoted to governor over Egypt. My life was ripped apart and has been a nightmare for 3 years: first the litigation, then rejection after rejection, failure after failure, slammed door in the face after slammed door. Now, new writing job, new book, new state, new beginnings!

This still doesn't feel real! I've been praying for the will of God, praying that God shut the doors in my life He wants shut and open the doors He wants opened. Despite sending my resume to a million places, this was the only place that wanted me (actually, the employer is pretty huge and impressive!). I have to trust the Lord that, if He opened this door for me, He'll help me to walk through it, help me to do this job even though it's a bit intimidating and over my head.

But I'll have a paycheck and I can start getting my career and life back on track. Some horrible corporate people and their bloodthirsty lawyers tried to destroy me...I guess they don't know my God very well!

I prayed for God to fix my broken life...it looks like He's doing exactly that!

"And Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: For God, said he, hath made me forget all my toil..." Genesis 41:51

"And the name of the second called he Ephraim: For God hath caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction." Genesis 41:52

"And he [Obed, a "type" of Christ] shall be unto thee a restorer of thy life..." Ruth 4:15

My Prayer for Today (and Always)!

2011-12-07T02:15:00.002-05:00

Heavenly Father,

Help me to love Your Son the way He deserves to be loved! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Deuteronomy 6:5

Once More, With Feeling!

2011-12-06T21:25:00.000-05:00

"And he made the laver [of] brass, and the foot of it [of] brass, of the lookingglasses of [the women] assembling, which assembled [at] the door of the tabernacle of the congregation." Exodus 38:8

For some reason, I've been meditating on this verse over and over again for the past two days; I think this is the first time I've ever noticed this scripture despite all my years of Bible study. There's something so beautiful about the mirrors of these women being used for the brass laver the high priest would use to wash in before ministering and approaching unto God.

And Bible commentators believe that these were pious women because they assembled at the door of the tabernacle; these women either willingly supplied their mirrors for this purpose or likely didn't object when their mirrors were collected.

There are a lot of messages in this scripture: the value of inner (spiritual) beauty over physical beauty (1 Peter 3:1-4), the things of the spirit being more valuable than the things of the flesh, the need to rid ourselves of the things of the flesh and to wash ourselves with the water of the Word and of the Holy Spirit, etc., etc.

I wish I could delve deeper into this but...I've got another interview!!! Yay! I say "Yay!" somewhat sarcastically because all these interviews--companies showing interest in me then losing interest in me--the job interview rollercoaster, it all gets to be a bit emotionally and mentally draining after awhile. This position is for a technical writer in Virginia. I would actually really love a change. I'm tired of Pennsylvania. I leave for VA tomorrow morning, interview on Thursday, return on Friday. The job description sounds a little intimidating, a bit over my head, but it's all in God's hands...

My sister has suddenly become obsessed with "The Secret." Ugh! She's all excited about it, trying to shove it down my and our mom's throats. She has her daughters doing affirmations and creating vision boards, etc. I said to my mom, "Does she make sure the girls pray every day?" I doubt it (and, yes, my sister is a Christian). Here's the thing, I'm all for positive thinking, but if something isn't God's will, all the positive thinking in the world isn't going to make it so. It's self focus, humanism. Books and philosophies like "The Secret" seem to imply that YOU have the power within yourself to shape your destiny and, while I believe positive thinking is the will of God, one must always realize that one's life and future are in God's hands. We should pray for that, seek that, submit to that.

If this job is the Lord's will for me, it will happen.

Jesus alone is Lord and King. Jesus alone is in control!

My pastor's wife still wants me to preach, if I'm still living in PA come Mother's Day. Grrrr...I don't feel a message in me right now. And sometimes when I'm nervous I freeze up, my mind goes blank, and I stutter. Grrr...

My Christian book is just about done. I submitted 3 final minor changes to the editors, then we should be ready to ROCK AND ROLL!!! Stay tuned...I'll be offering something special to my blog readers...

Well, I'd better skedaddle! Still gotta pack, gotta pick out an interview outfit, gotta go over interview strategies, etc., etc.

Say a prayer for me! Thanks!

Love yas!

Chasing God

2011-12-04T03:23:00.000-05:00

We'd just finished watching a movie (it ended at midnight) and I was about to go downstairs, take a shower, then go to bed, but Pastor Gary Mitrik was on TV and I sat down to watch for about 5 minutes. Five minutes turned into a full hour as I became totally engrossed in his message "A Captivated Heart":

http://www.garymitrik.com/gwo/Media.html

The message was simple: Our hearts should be and remain captivated by Jesus. Mitrik talked about several individuals in the Bible who were madly in love with the Lord, including David, a man described as being after God's heart and the disciple John, who leaned on the Lord's breast so he could hear His heart beat.

Our heart should beat as one with God's heart, that's how close we should be to Him, that's how passionately we should love Him--our hearts should be completely intertwoven with His.

Just last night, I was thinking about how much I'm in love with the Lord Jesus, but that I want to love Him more and more...

It occurred to me that if we had to describe the Bible in simplest terms, we could probably describe it as the story of God's pursuit of Man, God's desire for Man, for our love; the Bible is the story of God's quest to be in relationship with us (even the meticulous instructions for the elaborate temple, all the animal sacrifices, and the numerous laws--God wasn't requiring all these things just to be mean and to make life difficult for the Israelites. These were what was necessary for a perfect God to be in relationship with imperfect creatures).

We read the Psalms, the Song of Songs, and Isaiah and we talk about chasing God, seeking Him, and of how God hides from us and, indeed, there is some truth to this. But...consider the lengths to which God has gone to be in relationship with us--He allowed Himself to be slaughtered by His own creation to be in relationship with us! God WANTS to be found of us. He doesn't hide from us as part of some sadistic game. He hides so we'll hunger and yearn for Him and seek Him out. But He WANTS to be found of us.

I read something really beautiful yesterday:

²⁹And Aaron shall bear the names of the children of Israel in the breastplate of judgment upon his heart, when he goeth in unto the holy place, for a memorial before the LORD continually (Exodus 28:29).

Of course, as high priest, Aaron represents Christ. I believe Christ bears our names upon His heart continually. Does our devotion match His? Or, like the Ephesians, have we left our first love? Has our heart grown cold toward Him? Are we just going through the motions?

I need to chase Him more. I need to love Him more. I want our hearts to be knit together, to beat as one.

Standing Up for Righteousness

2011-12-02T16:34:00.000-05:00

I try not to get too political on this blog, as the focus is more on developing an intimate relationship with the Lord Jesus, however, the sub-title of this blog is "My Attempt at a 'Romance' with God in the Midst of Life's Noise" and, boy, has it been noisy today!

There's a video circulating all over the Internet right now, I think it's called, "Two Lesbians Raised a Child and This is What They Got"--something like that. I have no intention of dignifying the video by viewing it; needless to say, it's a video that showcases the "amazing" child rearing of two lesbians. What I found disturbing was how many times that video was reposted by my "friends" on Facebook! Some of these friends are supposedly Christians and, not only did several repost the video, some reposted it with accompanying comments like, "Hopefully, this will help eliminate ignorance," etc.

As a Christian, handling situations like this is difficult because, obviously, you don't completely want to get into "attack" mode, but at the same time, when everyone is praising ungodliness and unholiness, you feel compelled to stand up for righteousness. You feel compelled to declare that acknowledging God and God's Word rather than kowtowing to an ungodly culture is not "ignorance," it's obedience, it's holiness.

Here's the deal, this isn't an attack on homosexuality--it's an attack on ALL sin and ALL unrighteousness. I'm not saying that heterosexual sin is acceptable while homosexual sin is super duper evil. It's ALL super duper evil in the eyes of God and if we desire to know Him intimately, we not only must walk uprightly ourselves, we can't support unrighteousness or ungodliness in others...even if it makes us unpopular. Even if it means we'll lose friends.

This stance is becoming more and more difficult as the world becomes darker and darker:

Isaiah 60

¹Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the LORD is risen upon thee.

²For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the LORD shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee.

³And the Gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising.

Isaiah 60:1-2 clearly states that the world will become darker and more ungodly, but we are to become brighter and the Lord's glory should be seen upon us.

Furthermore, Ezekiel 3:18-19 states something very scary; scriptures I'm not sure I've ever heard in church:

¹⁸When I say unto the wicked, Thou shalt surely die; and thou givest him not warning, nor speakest to warn the wicked from his wicked way, to save his life; the same wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand.

¹⁹Yet if thou warn the wicked, and he turn not from his wickedness, nor from his wicked way, he shall die in his iniquity; but thou hast delivered thy soul.

God will hold us responsible if we do not warn the wicked and they die in their sins! I think we, as Christians, need to be careful that we don't get so caught up in the love message of the Bible that we forget the holiness and obedience messages. Everyone's under the impression that Jesus is just love, love, love and that that love and forgiveness allow us to live sloppy lifestyles. Jesus is love, but He is also holy. His love and forgiveness do not eliminate His holiness or His demand for holiness. No where in the Bible (Old OR New Testament) is holiness ever presented as optional!

But how can we judge others? In that oft-misquoted, oft-misunderstood section of scripture, Jesus was warning against hypocrisy. He said, FIRST remove the beam from your own eye, THEN you'd see clearly to remove the mote from your brother's eye. Notice, He never said to LEAVE the mote in your brother's eye (Matthew 7:1-5). If we see someone going down a wrong path, it isn't judging to encourage them to go down a healthier path!

But Jesus never talked about homosexuality, so that proves He didn't really care about it? Umm...that's not quite accurate. Actually, Jesus didn't come to Earth merely to address homosexuality, He came to Earth to deal with ALL sin once and for all. He couldn't emphasize holy living until the sin nature of humans was corrected and that could only be corrected through the cross. The Bible says that we were dead in our sins (Colossians 2:13). Since we were dead in our sins, it would've been a waste of time for Jesus to keep saying, "Don't sin, don't sin, don't sin." It was in our nature to sin. But Jesus' death made us spiritually alive, without sin.

Now, we are expected to live holy. That's why the epistles (which instruct us in righteousness) were written AFTER the Gospels. First, we must be born again; then, we can live holy.

In any event, I hope I am not alone. I hope other Christians will continue to stand up for righteousness. I understand that those who do not believe in Jesus cannot be expected to live holy, but we as Christians SHOULD NOT be giving their ungodly lifestyles the thumbs up. We shouldn't be supporting and encouraging them in their sin.

God will hold us accountable if we do.

OK, that's my 2 cents for the day! Love yas! <3

Sorting Things Out?

2011-12-01T13:16:00.000-05:00

OK...so what's going on? I'm not really sure!

That fabulous Monster.com resume has gotten me a few inquiries from companies (I suppose more than I'd gotten prior to having it), but no takers, no offers...yet.

I'm trying to decide if I should work full time or part time right now; I'm also trying to decide if I should hold out for a full time, well paying writer/editor position or if I should just suck in my pride and take whatever I can get. The only problem is, these lower paying jobs almost aren't worth the effort: After taxes, I'll take home what? $150 a week?! That's gas and lunch money!

My pastor's wife wants me to work with her as an aide at a senior residential center. The only problems with that is 1. it's minimum wage (again, that would work out to gas and lunch money) and 2. I'm not sure if I'd have to help them in the bathroom, which totally grosses me out! I'm also not sure if I've had hepatitis shots (which the job requires) and I try to avoid injecting diseases into my body whenever possible.

My pastor's wife also mentioned something else: She might want me to speak (aka teach/preach) at a women's Christmas function! She dropped that bomb on me last Sunday night. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. Years ago, I desperately wanted to be in ministry...now, I'm not sure how I feel about it. A part of me feels like this could be a great, exciting opportunity and possibly a launching pad to other speaking opportunities, another part of me is quite intimidated, terrified, and a bit ambivalent. I'm also from New York and I'm used to dealing with people with really feisty personalities. The people in this part of Pennsylvania are quite...low key. I keep imagining speaking in front of these women and hearing crickets! The pastor is a pretty fiery preacher and he hardly ever gets audience feedback when he preaches. I'm not even sure I'm in the right frame of mind to teach anyone anything right now, I feel like such a mess!

Yes, this is the same church I wrote about months ago in my "Church Search" post. We just can't seem to leave this place! The pastor and his wife are just too darn nice!!!

We seem to be stuck living in this area and going to this church for some reason; God has such a sense of humor!

I was also asked by my school if I wanted to enroll in courses in the spring. I reluctantly said "yes" and was signed up for two courses!

Ugh! What the heck am I doing?! What the heck is God doing in my life?!

*Sigh!* I think I'm gonna take a shower, then have my bible study...I need to clear my head!

Secrets

2011-11-28T20:42:00.008-05:00

And with many such parables spake he the word unto them, as they were able to hear it.

But without a parable spake he not unto them: and when they were alone, he expounded all things to his disciples.

Mark 4:33-34

I've probably read Mark dozens of times, but yesterday, this scripture really jumped out at me.

Jesus would often take His disciples aside, away from the crowds, to talk privately with them.

I've read many scriptures before about the secrets of God and I've craved being in on them before and I'm beginning to crave this again.

Psalm 25:14 states,
The secret of the LORD is with them that fear him; and he will shew them his covenant.

and Proverbs 3:32 states,
For the froward is abomination to the LORD: but his secret is with the righteous.

When Job fell on hard times, he craved and longed for the days "when the secret of God was upon [his] tabernacle" (Job 29:4).

When God was about to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, He said, "Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do...For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment..." (Genesis 18: 17, 19).

I think it's so beautiful that God didn't want to hide anything from Abraham. How sweet and amazing is that? He didn't want to keep a secret from Abraham, but, rather, He wanted to share His secret with him. And we also see that righteousness (which we have in Christ) and fear of the Lord (holiness) are required if we are to become one of God's secret keepers, someone God shares and keeps secrets with.

Wanna hear something else crazy? On more than one occasion, during my private worship time, I've had amazing experiences with God, even if it was just the powerful sensing of His presence or special things I said to Him in prayer. But later on (perhaps due to some small subconscious desire to brag), I'd share what had transpired between God and myself with others and IMMEDIATELY I'd sense the grieving of the Holy Spirit, as though I had just saddened or hurt God with my big mouth!

Lest you think I'm just weird or imagining things, I think we see something similar in the Gospels: Jesus had taken Peter, James, and John "apart by themselves" up into a mountain and was transfigured before them. Afterward, "as they came down from the mountain, he charged them that they should tell no man what things they had seen, till the Son of man were risen from the dead" (Mark 9:9).

The disciples had a beautiful, spiritual experience with Jesus (and with the Father and Holy Spirit who were also present) and Jesus wanted them to keep it a secret, at least for awhile.

Imagine if you enjoyed some beautiful, intimate moments with your husband or wife, then later found out that they'd blabbed to their friends about what had transpired between the two of you during your private time together! Wouldn't you be offended? Horrified? Embarrassed? Wouldn't it make what you'd experienced seem a little less special? Cheapen it? That's the nature of secrets--they're supposed to be, well, secret. And when you blab them, you break the heart of the person who entrusted you with the secret. Thus, secrets require trust.

I want Jesus to trust me. I want Him to trust me with His secrets, I want Him to trust me with His heart.

2011-11-27T22:57:00.000-05:00

I'll definitely have a new post within the next day or two, but I'm so tired and my brain is so burned out right now, I keep making typing mistakes!

The kiddies are gone (left yesterday) and I've had a few interesting life developments...

Stay tuned!

Love yas!

Bittersweet

2011-11-21T15:00:00.001-05:00

Well, if all goes according to plan, the kids' mom (my sister) will be coming over Thanksgiving, probably stay a day or two, then she'll take the kids home with her...

No more poopy diapers, no more school lessons and projects, no more playground excursions, no more meal planning and house in total disarray, etc.

And yet, oddly enough, I feel a pinch sad...

It could be that children, as annoying and exhausting as they are at times, do bring laughter and spontaneity into situations.

Or it could be that the kids did bring a bit of distraction into my life and with them gone, it'll be back to the endless, frustrating job hunt and moanies.

Or maybe not...

The holidays--particularly Thanksgiving and Christmas--are usually a time of renewed quiet, sweet reflection on and fellowship with God. I'm looking forward to that...

Snowflakes and Lilies

2011-11-13T04:52:00.000-05:00

"For ever since the creation of the world His invisible nature and attributes, that is, His eternal power and divinity, have been made intelligible and clearly discernible in and through the things that have been made (His handiworks). So [men] are without excuse [altogether without any defense or justification]..."

Romans 1:20 (Amplified Bible).

I was Googling images of snowflakes for my nephew (we need to paste one to his weather report for school) and I got sidetracked and ended up simply caught up in the beauty of the images!

I'm sure there are snowflake galleries all over the Internet, but here are a few I found:

http://www.its.caltech.edu/~atomic/snowcrystals/photos/photos.htm

Each one, unique, stunningly intricate and beautiful. Looking at snowflakes, all of the beauty and complexity in nature, I absolutely marvel that anyone could be an atheist!

And, of course, the snowflakes also reminded me of Luke 12:27-28:

"Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

If then God so clothe the grass, which is to day in the field, and to morrow is cast into the oven; how much more will he clothe you, O ye of little faith?"

Two thoughts crossed my mind:

1. I truly believe our God, Jesus, just absolutely LOVES creating beautiful things.

2. Like the lilies of the field, if God chose to so intricately and beautifully craft each individual snowflake, how much more will He care for His children?

God put little reminders in nature, little love notes to remind us of His love and care for us!

Love Note 1: Love Like Fire

2011-11-12T02:39:00.006-05:00

Every now and then, a scripture meditation or reflection pops into my head, but it might not necessarily qualify for a really long blog post, so I may end up starting a whole series of "Love Notes"...short, sweet blog posts.

I suppose all the Breaking Dawn mania has got me thinking more about love and romance lately...

What do you get when you combine the following scriptures?:

1. Proverbs 30:15-16: "...There are three things that are never satisfied, yea, four things say not, It is enough: The grave; and the barren womb; the earth that is not filled with water; and the fire that saith not, It is enough."

2. Deuteronomy 4:24 (and Hebrews 12:29): "For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God."

3. 1 John 4:8: "...for God is love."

You get a God who desires to consume us! He is love and His love for us is so great, so overwhelming, so overpowering, like fire, He wants to consume every ounce, every inch of us; He wants to devour, swallow us up in Himself, in His love!

He is also jealous. He is not satisfied with 80, 90, or even 99% of us--He wants ALL of us, every part. When it comes to us, He never says, "It is enough!" He always wants more, more, more! More of our love, more of us!

If memory serves me correctly, years ago, in a sermon, Joyce Meyer said "God is obsessed with us!" There is something so frighteningly beautiful about this!

My Jesus is the greatest, most passionate lover of all!!! So take that, Edward and Bella! :P

Penn State Disgrace

2011-11-10T18:53:00.002-05:00

I'm actually really ashamed right now to say that Penn State is my alma mater! God help and heal these precious victims in Jesus' name. :(

A Stolen Moment with Jesus

2011-11-08T02:48:00.002-05:00

I wanted to post something tonight (in fact, I've been wanting to post for the past several days)...I'm just not sure what. I kinda feel like I have something to say and I kinda feel like I don't have anything to say...

As predicted, it's been harder to focus on myself the past several days (which is a good thing)...my days consist of waking up, coffee, breakfast(?), shower, Wii, taking the kids outside, doing (home) school lessons, dinner, watching some cartoons, chasing the two year old around the house, shower (first the kids, then myself), Wii, then bed (btw, the kids are the ones playing the Wii, not me!). I usually try to toss up a quick prayer to God before climbing into bed, putting on my audio bible, then passing out.

Last night I was lucky...I was able to send out a few resumes around 2am, while I watched some 70s Christian tv movie with the 7 year old (yeah, they've been sucked into our nocturnal lifestyle and average bedtime has been around 1:30am! Tonight, they went to bed early, around 12:45am!). We haven't been keeping them up late on purpose, we just seem to keep falling into this crazy schedule.

Mom and I also feel like our health is taking a beating: In addition to being exhausted when we wake up and exhausted all day (we both had energy issues even before the kids came), our diet has gone from semi healthy (occasional soups and baked chicken, etc.) to pretty crappy--Halloween candy (Snickers, Twixes, peanut M&Ms), chicken nuggets, burgers, pizza, chips (it's just easier to nibble on whatever we cook for the kids. We're usually too exhausted to make separate "adult" meals for ourselves)! We initially tried to give the kids healthy gourmet meals and they just picked at them.

Even though I'm dead tired at the end of the day, sometimes I'm still so wound up, I can't sleep, but I've got to get to sleep because of the busy schedule I have the next day. I took an Ambien last night to take the edge off and help me sleep and it made me so sick, I ended up vomiting.

I'm a clean freak (obsessive compulsive?) and I'm a bit distressed that I haven't been able to give my house the tidy up and sudsy bleach down it usually gets every few days. I also have an awesome bruise on my right shin from when I tripped and fell over one of the wooden kiddie chairs!

Anyway, last night I had that prayer problem again...I knelt down to pray about my job situation and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I really do think it's a pride issue...sorta like, "Why bother?! God obviously doesn't care about your job situation. Don't keep humiliating yourself by begging Him to help you!" I know this isn't true, but Satan keeps screaming it in my ear and reminding me of all the awesome job opportunities I've come so close to but missed out on, doors God could easily have opened, but slammed in my face.

I'm a King Jameser, so Matthew 7:7 is translated simply, "Ask, and it shall be given you..." But the Amplified translates it, "Keep on asking and it will be given you..." Furthermore, Luke 11:5-13 cites this same exhortation and mentions the man who rises to give his friend three loaves (though he initially refused him) because of his friend's importunity. Luke 18:1-8 states,

¹And he spake a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always to pray, and not to faint;

²Saying, There was in a city a judge, which feared not God, neither regarded man:

³And there was a widow in that city; and she came unto him, saying, Avenge me of mine adversary.

⁴And he would not for a while: but afterward he said within himself, Though I fear not God, nor regard man;

⁵Yet because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.

⁶And the Lord said, Hear what the unjust judge saith.

⁷And shall not God avenge his own elect, which cry day and night unto him, though he bear long with them?

⁸I tell you that he will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth?

I struggle with these scriptures for a couple of reasons: On the one hand, I understand that our relationship with God requires faithfulness and perseverance. Seeking a deeper relationship with Jesus isn't a one minute, one hour, or one day thing; it's like searching for buried treasure and anything worth finding is worth putting in the effort to look for it. And if we want/need anything from God, we must show that we have faith in His faithfulness as a Provider. Faith requires time. If God answered every single one of our prayers two seconds after we asked, we wouldn't need faith.

But, on the other hand, it almost seems a bit strange to me that God requires that His royal children keep begging Him for help ("beg" is actually one of the literal translations for the word "ask" in Matthew 7:7).

Again, is it simply a question of faithfulness and perseverance on the part of the saints? I know, according to numerous scriptures, that God loves to play hide and seek--does He just want us to chase after Him and cleave (keep cleaving) to Him despite delays and/or disappointments? Or maybe He simply delights in our continuous, loving, humble dependence upon Him; there are also scriptures which suggest that God simply loves hearing the sounds of our voices (Song of Songs 2:14, Proverbs 15:8).

Or maybe He delights in the boldness of His children (I think we see this in Hebrews 4:16, Esther 5:1-3, Genesis 18:23-33, and in many other scriptures); He wants us to come to Him, boldly, but lovingly, making our requests ("importunity" actually implies "demands" more than merely "requests"), having full confidence that He will supply our need.

This didn't occur to me until just now...I think that's why it's good for me to force myself to blog sometimes...it forces me to reflect and, sometimes, I think I sort of arrive at an answer to my own question...

I haven't read Hebrews or Esther in awhile...maybe it's time to reread them!

The Gift of Paul?

2011-11-02T13:27:00.000-04:00

I just declined a 2nd interview for a jr. technical writer position with a company in Connecticut; I'm still trying to decide if that was a smart move or dumb move...

Neither I nor my mother (she'd have to relocate with me) was crazy about the idea of moving to Connecticut--too expensive and most of the people are probably rich and snooty! The job also sounded a bit more stressful than what I'm looking for right now. Right decision? Wrong decision? Did I not have peace about it because it wasn't God's will or because I was fearful (of moving? of the job?), a bit intimidated, and overwhelmed?

*Sigh!* Who knows?!

I'm seeking something...not sure exactly what...a simple, peaceful, content existence...

I'm 31, single (never married), no kids. Right now, I'm taking care of three of my sister's kids (ages 2, 5, and 7) and...I'm soooo glad I don't have children of my own!!! I don't hate children or anything...I just...like them more from a distance.

Though every now and then, I look at happy families and wonder what it'd be like to have a loving husband and children of my own, for the most part, I'm happy with my state just as it is. I think I've remained unmarried and childless because 1. no one's ever asked for my hand in marriage and 2. I'm EXTREMELY introverted and, even when I've had boyfriends, I'd tire of them being in my face after awhile. I'm incredibly selfish with my time. If I were a rich woman, I think I'd be more generous with my money than with my time.

Since I was young (probably around 14), I've always joked and said that I had "the gift of Paul" (1 Cor. 7:7-8) and that I'd probably stay single for the rest of my life. I'm beginning to think, more and more, that this is less of a joke and more of a truth. This might sound crazy, but the idea of being a cloistered nun has always appealed to me. I can't imagine anything more awesome than being locked away, reading the Bible and seeking and worshiping Jesus all day, uninterrupted.

Unfortunately, a gal has to pay the bills...and being cloistered away also wouldn't leave much room to serve and minister to others.

So...I guess it's back to the drawing board...more job applications and showing the love of Christ by taking care of my stressed out sister's three kids. Fun, fun, fun!!!

"And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings, and in quiet resting places..." Isaiah 32:18.

"And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it [is] the gift of God." Ecclesiastes 3:13

God is Faithful!

2011-10-28T01:13:00.001-04:00

"If we believe not, [yet] he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself." 2 Timothy 2:13

So, my mom and I are out of town right now; mom had to get some medical stuff done in Philly.

Our hotel experience a couple days ago was...weird! Weird and nightmarish! The hotel was noisy. Every time someone slammed their hotel room door, the slam was so loud it either startled or awakened me. The bathroom was so tiny, if you sat on the toilet and leaned forward even slightly, you'd bang your head on the sink. There was no room service, no food. The towels and sheets smelled musty, almost as if they'd been used and laundered sans detergent. The sheets were itchy; we had to keep checking to make sure there weren't bed bugs. And so on and so forth...

Well, that horrible room was supposed to be $139.00 a night, two nights. But we were charged $370.00!!! My mom spoke to hotel management that night and it turned real ugly real quick. He actually threatened to have us escorted off the premises (Mom later found several reviews online of former guests stating how rude management was and that threatening to have guests escorted off the premises is a regular threat made by management at this hotel)!!!

So, anyway, we wanted our money back for the second day (we really didn't want to stay there two nights!) and we needed to find another hotel to stay at (mind you, we're already in Philly, and we usually make reservations online ahead of time, both to guarantee finding a room and to get a slight discount). In the morning, after the first night, Mom spoke with the innkeeper regarding getting our money back for the 2nd day. While she was downstairs talking to him, I was in the room praying: I didn't want to lose all that money and, if we had to leave that hotel, we'd also need another place to stay.

Well, Mom comes back in the room and tells me that the innkeeper would refund our 2nd day, but that we were to leave the premises immediately!!! So we gather up our stuff and head out. Mom and I both thanked and praised God that we didn't lose our money for the 2nd day, but now we were stranded in Philly and had to find another hotel ASAP!!! Mom hadn't slept and I can't drive in Philly traffic, so we also couldn't drive all over town to get to another hotel. We found a Starbucks, logged onto their WiFi and started searching. After about 30 minutes, we booked the Hyatt for $113.00. We get there and the room was absolutely palatial!!! We loved it and began thanking God again.

This might not seem like much, but it's often hard to find rooms in Philly even several days in advance. Often all the rooms everywhere are booked and/or because almost all the rooms are booked, it's hard to find a reasonable rate. So we were so grateful that 1. we got our money back from that crappy hotel, 2. we were able to book a room somewhere else, and 3. the new hotel and room were absolutely beautiful!!!

I also had a job telephone interview while I was in Philly; it seemed to go OK. It's for a technical writer position in Connecticut. I'm not getting my hopes up...I'm not even sure I want this particular position, but it feels good that I'm getting interview calls again...

But that is nothing...

I actually began writing this blog post earlier but I had to stop mid post because as I was writing, my 2 1/2 year old nephew fell down a long flight of stairs in my sister's house!!! Of course, we all jumped up and ran to the staircase.

No sound on Earth can compare with the horrifying sound of a small child's body tumbling down a staircase--thud after sickening thud!

He started crying immediately--I suppose this was better than seeing him unconscious at the foot of the stairs.

My sister scooped him up and began examining him. Nothing seemed to be broken and probably ten minutes after falling, he was running around the house again.

Mom and I wanted him to go to the hospital, but his mother figured doctors wouldn't do much of anything. We put ice on his mouth (his lip was bleeding), bathed him, and kept an eye on him the rest of the evening. He seems totally fine.

I feel like God is so faithful and so amazing! Even before my nephew's fall today, I got a little emotional during my stay in Philly as I marveled at Jesus' faithfulness--even after I've been unfaithful or faithless. Helping Mom and I out of that hotel debacle and giving me the grace to get through my phone interview might not seem like much but these things were huge for me, simply because my attitude toward Him has been so crappy lately.

Last night, Mom and I talked about how, we might hate going through difficulties, but these are opportunities for God to show Himself strong in our lives and on our behalf. If we never went through anything difficult, we wouldn't get a chance to see God work--no different than the Israelites in Egypt or in the wilderness.

Pam, one of my sweet blog friends, and I have talked about how we, as Christians, need to constantly re-focus; when the focus of our heart/mind begins to drift away from our Lord, we need to shift it back. The past few days, my heart has been so filled with love for the Lord. I would be happy to just lay at our Lord's feet for all eternity--enjoying His love, His presence! That's all that truly matters! I've slowed down the past few days and taken the time to drink in His presence and, once again, I feel like all is right with the world.

Forgive me for going on and on...I'm on sort of a emotional/spiritual high right now...I haven't felt the Lord's hand in my life for awhile...going through a spiritual dry spell. And the past few days, I feel like I've seen God moving again in my life, in small ways and dramatic ways...

I'm not sure how long this high is going to last--three rambunctious boys, ages 2, 5, 7 (I think), two of them are homeschooled and I'm gonna have to do the lessons and entertain the 2 year old...not sure how I'm gonna pull this off...I'm exhausted just thinking about it!

Lord Jesus, help me keep my focus on You, despite all the noise in my life! Thank you for your faithfulness, even when I've been unfaithful. I love you!

Andy Stanley and Glitter Nail Polish

2011-10-22T04:06:00.001-04:00

Wow...I feel like I haven't been on here since forever...

Well, I'm officially done...I submitted my final course assignments around 7 pm last night. Even though they're submitted, I still feel anxious and tied up in knots about it--it definitely wasn't my best work! I've written research papers that I really poured myself into, put heart and soul into (usually topics I thought up myself; the professor chose the topic for this paper), and I've usually done well on those papers. Then there are the papers I feel like I just threw together with no heart involvement whatsoever--and my grades usually reflect this! This paper was just a mechanical experience, writing just to get it over with. I also wrote 31 pages when it was only supposed to be 14! Part of me doesn't care, part of me does...especially if I decide to give this MA program another go...oh well...we'll see what happens...

It's almost 4 am, but I really wanted to write a blog post before going to bed...not even really sure why...I just felt I needed to...

I always think it's so eerie and cool when a preacher (especially a well-known preacher) says something I've been saying or meditating on for awhile, just because it sort of confirms that perhaps my meditations were on point and that maybe the Holy Spirit was actually speaking to me...

I've often felt like Joyce Meyer and I had some sort of special spiritual connection because she'd often teach on topics I'd studied in the Bible or had been meditating on recently.

This past Sunday, a visiting preacher said something along the lines of, "It's OK to scream at God or shout at God in anger...just keep talking to Him! The devil wants us to stop talking to Him." I've said similar things: It's better to come to God in anger and with a broken heart than to not come to Him at all.

My precious friend, Christina, sent me a link of an Andy Stanley sermon on the subject "When God?" Stanley addressed A LOT of what I've been writing about: How God sometimes seems distant and inattentive, that going through the wilderness is really difficult when everyone around you seems to be experiencing God's favor and blessing. The sermons were VERY engaging; check them out if you can:

PART 1: http://www.northpoint.org/messages/when-god

PART 2: http://www.northpoint.org/messages/when-god

I'll probably write more later today, after my brain has gotten some rest. I plan on de-stressing with a lovely home pedicure; I'll probably listen to my daily Bible chapters while I soak (it'll be nice to not have to rush through my Bible chapters because I have homework hanging over my head). Then I'll paint my toes a pretty glittery silver. This will probably be my last time for relaxation for a long time--the kids come next week. Yay!!!

My prayer time last night was a little strange...I started to beg God again about my situation ("God, please give me a decent job," "God, please bless me," "God, please..."), but I couldn't bring myself to mention it. Instead, I decided to pray for my mother and I asked God to bless her and take care of her. My mom and I rely on my income, so I feel the burden not just for myself but for her.

I prayed for my mother partly because I thought it would be good for me to take the focus off of myself (maybe part of me prayed for her because I was just too prideful to humiliate myself again, begging God to help me).

That was something else Stanley talked about: When bad things are happening to people around us, we feel sorry for them and we might pray for them, but our faith isn't shaken. But when bad things happen to us, our faith is shaken, so much so for some people that they may begin to even doubt the existence of God. Stanley talked about how there is something so selfish and self-centered about this.

This is something else I've been thinking about a lot again lately and I think I've even mentioned it a few times on the blog...how American (Westernized?) culture is so individualistic, self-centered, me-focused, I think we struggle with keeping our attention off of ourselves more than the early Christians did.

Well, for the next few weeks, I'm gonna be playing Mommy, so it'll be hard for me to focus constantly on myself and my problems. I guess this is a good thing. I was dreading the kids coming, but, who knows, maybe this is exactly what God feels I need right now...

I'll keep you posted...

Dear Lord, I'm Tired!!!

2011-10-16T09:39:00.001-04:00

I seriously, seriously need to stop checking my email immediately upon waking up! I mean, has ANYTHING good EVER come of that?! I need a device that'll zap me next time I attempt to do that! I need prayer and Bible study before checking my email, then maybe I'll be equipped to deal with the stupidity that always seems drawn to my inbox.

I was a member of a Christian Professionals group on LinkedIn. Well, stupid me, being a part of a "Christian Professionals" group, I thought I'd be able to post a request for feedback from Christian professionals on a business matter. So I wake up and see that I've received an email from the group's moderator/founder(?)--based on his LinkedIn profile, he seems to be a wealthy/successful businessman--saying something along the lines of "sorry, but we are unable to post your question in the discussion forum; however, if you ask individuals on Christian Professionals for feedback, you'd probably find people willing to help you." No explanation as to why my request was denied or if it could simply be modified and re-submitted.

Um...I don't know any of those Christian professionals personally, that's why I was throwing the net out there, asking for feedback, Dummy! I'm just supposed to target random individuals in the group and pester them to help/advise me?!?! Then, the moderator probably would have sent me an email telling me to stop soliciting people in the group! Meanwhile, notice that this successful Christian businessman didn't volunteer himself to give his little Christian sister business advice/feedback!

Ugh...sometimes Christians are the most useless people on the planet!!! Always talking about the importance of loving and helping people, but never actually doing it!

Needless to say, I got annoyed and left the group. What's the point of being a member of a "Christian Professionals" group if I can't discuss professional/business matters with my fellow Christians?! Otherwise, it's just a Christian social network!

I'm actually writing this because I needed a break from a 23+ page theology paper I'm working on (actually, the paper is only supposed to be about 14 pages and this professor doesn't like us going over, so...somehow, some way, I'm gonna have to whittle this baby down! Don't ask me how the paper got so long--I have no idea! It sort of got away from me! I actually feel like I'm writing in circles, not even sure what I'm talking about anymore, don't even know if any of it makes sense!). Well, one thought is going through my head as I'm writing this paper: I HATE THIS! I DON'T WANNA DO THIS!! I'M SO SICK OF THIS!!!

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy graduate theology study more than graduate English studies (I'd rather read about God than literacy, writing theories, and ancient rhetoric), but, truthfully, I think I'm just starting to burn out on school in general. I've been going to school off and on, part time and full time, since 2001! I think I'm just sick of the long, dense readings, the research papers, MLA style, APA style, annotations, citations, reference pages, etc., etc. I do think that the money issue is impacting my studies: It's kind of hard to concentrate when, in the back of your mind, you're a little preoccupied with bills and a dwindling bank account. When I went to school for my BA and MA, I got very generous grant and loan refunds which helped pay the bills for several months. I got zero refund this time, so I can't exactly go to school carefree, willy-nilly. Now that I've got this supposedly dazzling resume, I've got to apply to every opening on the planet in earnest! Finding a decent job needs to become my full-time job!

And, oddly, the irony that my theology studies have made me too busy and too preoccupied to really take my time and enjoy my own personal Bible study isn't lost on me! I've actually read that this happens often with theology students: so busy studying about God, yet spending so little time with God!

So here's what's gonna happen: Mom sort of volunteered herself and me to help take care of three of my sister's kids for a few weeks. At first I was sort of annoyed that my mother did this, but now I think taking care of my sister's kids gives me an excuse to take this upcoming semester off (semesters are only 7 weeks). I really feel like my brain is starting to cave in. I already got the syllabus for next semester's class--a 5-page paper required every week (with a minimum of about 10 sources), readings, a final 12+ page paper (with a minimum of about 24 sources), etc! No way, Jose!!! The screaming kids might drive me a little crazy, but I'll have more time for my own personal Bible study, I can maybe get some job interviews, and, who knows, if I get an amazing job offer, I might just put the school thing on the shelf permanently.

Putting out this second book has also made me excited about writing again. The legal quagmire I'd been bogged down in the last three years had totally left me creatively drained and uninspired, but I'm finding that I want to write again now. The exhilaration of having one's book published is a bit addictive, even if it's self-published. It's still exciting!

I really need God to give me some insight into what He's doing and what direction I should be going in! Do I write? Do I study God? Will I get a job in the writing/editing industry, or will I have to go back into administration? My brain and heart feel so exhausted and burned out. I need God to pick me up, re-energize me, re-energize my life, set me on a clear path once and for all!

"For thou [art] my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me." Psalm 31:3.

God and Monster

2011-10-11T18:52:00.001-04:00

Well, it's done...

I just plunked down $230.00 (can you say ouch?) for Monster.com to produce a glittering resume and cover letter for me that will magically cause a sudden flood of prospective potential employers to start ringing my phone off the hook!!!

OK maybe not, but I'm hoping for more luck than I've had of late. I'm not a trust fund baby or anything; I've got a tiny bit of savings which is dwindling fast, so I figured I had two options:

1. Get a resume expert to give my resume a total overhaul while I still have a little bit of money to splurge on such an expense.

2. Keep using the same resumes I've been using and getting the same none results I've been getting.

It's funny, even though I crafted my original resumes based on supposedly good Internet models I found, a spiffy Penn State job/resume guide, and other resume research, I've just had no success. Ironically, just recently, I revamped my resume, putting my publications at the top (rather than the bottom where they had been), adding pretty design accents, making it look, I thought, neater, more elegant, and I've gotten even fewer responses than I did before. LOL! My life rocks!

So, apparently, at least when it comes to resumes, I have NO CLUE as to what I'm doing!

The outcome of this expensive little experiment ought to be interesting. It could either be an example of putting faith and works together (James 2:20); I'd be adding the work of professionally spicing up my resume to my faith. Or it could be a Sarai/Ishmael situation (Genesis 16): Rather than totally trusting God, Sarai tried to fix the problem of her barrenness herself and it blew up in her face big time!

Well, I figured, if nothing else, if I still don't get any job call backs with this beautiful, expertly-crafted Monster resume, then it must really be God (rather than my terrible resumes) who, for whatever reason, has me on a waiting list with all doors and opportunities closed tight!

Glorify Thy Name!

2011-10-09T02:51:00.000-04:00

So...it's almost 2 a.m., I should be lying down trying to go to sleep since I have to get up to go to church in a few hours, but when I knelt down by my bed to pray before getting into bed, I began crying, having another one of my pity parties, feeling sorry for myself because of my career situation, feeling sorry for myself because I don't have more supportive family and friends, feeling sorry for myself because I'm a nobody, feeling sorry for myself because all my life I've felt like Charlie Brown, etc., etc.

Once again, I thought, "I'm not even sure what to pray anymore: Do I pray for God to bless me and give me a great job? Do I pray God surround me with loving people? Do I pray God heal my heart, heal my life? Or do I simply pray, 'Thy will be done'?"

So, I'm crying, feeling sorry for myself (again), not knowing what to pray, wondering if maybe, in the very recesses of my heart, I'm not still holding a tiny grudge against God and, for some reason, John 12:27-28 came to my spirit:

"Now is my soul troubled; and what shall I say? Father, save me from this hour: but for this cause came I unto this hour.

"Father, glorify thy name. Then came there a voice from heaven, [saying], I have both glorified [it], and will glorify [it] again."

A few thoughts occurred to me when those scriptures came to my spirit:

Jesus was sort of in a similar situation: perplexed and not quite knowing what to pray. He basically said, "And what should I pray? Father, save me? But what's the point of praying that? That's not His perfect will." Then Jesus seems to say something totally unrelated: "Father, glorify thy name."

I've read these scriptures many times and maybe I never made the connection or maybe I made the connection and simply forgot about it, but I think that, in that moment, Jesus was basically like, "I'm perplexed, part of me wants to run away, part of me wants to stay and submit to God's will, I don't even know what to pray right now, but whatever--FATHER, GLORIFY YOUR NAME!"

I think that, possibly, in that moment, Jesus was refocusing. Sometimes our problems can be so overwhelming, we're not even sure how to feel or what to pray, and in that moment, rather than trying to figure it out or even sort His emotions out, Jesus just chose to refocus on His Father, giving His Father praise and adoration.

I was tempted to title this post, "Me, Myself, and I--The New Trinity? Part Deux" because I realized that my pity party was simply the result of focusing on myself rather than the Lord Jesus.

In fact, if we put those scriptures back in their context, we see that the entire section deals with focusing on God and His kingdom rather than ourselves:

²³And Jesus answered them, saying, The hour is come, that the Son of man should be glorified.

²⁴Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit.

²⁵He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.

²⁶If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall also my servant be: if any man serve me, him will my Father honour.

²⁷Now is my soul troubled; and what shall I say? Father, save me from this hour: but for this cause came I unto this hour.

²⁸Father, glorify thy name. Then came there a voice from heaven, saying, I have both glorified it, and will glorify it again.

I think I've said this before but it probably bears repeating (if only so I can write it and read it again for myself): Any time that we feel agitation or upset, it's because we've taken our focus off of Him. When Peter was walking on water, he didn't start to sink until he took his focus off of Jesus!

When I used to read Psalm 61:2, I used to think of it merely in terms of God's deliverance--and I still believe it is a scripture we can turn to if we need help, comfort, or deliverance, but I also think it's a good "refocusing" scripture:

"From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock [that] is higher than I."

Lord, when I get distracted by the noise of life, when I become jealous or feel slighted and rejected, or feel sorry for myself, or wanna scream or punch somebody, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I--lead me back to the feet of Jesus.

What does Isaiah 26:3 say? "Thou wilt keep [him] in perfect peace, [whose] mind [is] stayed [on thee]: because he trusteth in thee."

And Hebrews 12:1-2?

"¹Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

²Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith..."

I'm a King James gal, but I like the Amplified Version of verse 2: "Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus..."

After meditating on these scriptures for a little bit, I had to laugh at myself for being such an idiot!

I suppose I should be proud of myself that at least now I have the spiritual maturity to realize when I've gone off course. But I guess real spiritual maturity is immediately reacting to life's situations the way the Bible says we're supposed to. We need to be constantly renewing our minds, constantly putting off the old man and being conformed more and more to Christ, mimicking the nature and character of God. Behaving like Christ should be instantaneous in each and every situation life throws at us!

Oh well! Baby steps, baby steps. I guess that's why Jesus said we need to take up the cross DAILY and follow Him (Luke 9:23). I guess I'm making progress: This pity party only lasted about 5 minutes. I got my act together pretty quick--thank you, Lord Jesus! Thank you Holy Spirit for comforting me and for bringing those scriptures to my remembrance. Years ago, I probably would've stewed much longer and this kind of stewing (unchecked) can even eventually lead to backsliding.

I'll get there...eventually!

OK...sleep time now...church in the morning!

Sign Your Name, Save a Life!

2011-10-07T12:49:00.003-04:00

The situation in Iran is intensifying! Please sign the petition to save Pastor Youcef's life! Thank you and the Lord bless you!

"Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; [and] them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body." Hebrews 13:3

http://aclj.us/e3g4

God's Way or the Highway!

2011-10-06T18:52:00.000-04:00

I just finished listening to Leviticus 26--that's a powerful chapter!!!

http://www.audiobible.com/bible/leviticus_26.html

One way or another, God's gonna get our attention!

Flaky Family and Fake Friends

2011-10-04T17:21:00.004-04:00

"Father, surround me with people who will love me and support me, in Jesus' name, amen."

That was my prayer today. I kind of feel like Lindsay Lohan's character in the movie MEAN GIRLS; I'm surrounded by flaky family members and fake friends.

I have a new book coming out, a religious fantasy book. I created a book trailer for it (which I thought was pretty awesome!), posted it on Facebook and I've received very little feedback from my family and most of my friends. My pastor (yes, of the church that I'm not even that crazy about and not even a member of) and his family LOVED the trailer and can't wait to read the book. They're psyched and super supportive. A very special friend and sister in Christ (Shout out to Christina! http://iaminbetween.wordpress.com/) and a few Facebook acquaintances were also very supportive, but out of almost 100 Facebook family members/friends, only about 6 have responded with positive feedback. Even fewer have "Liked" the Facebook "Author page" I set up.

My family is supposed to be predominantly Christian (albeit, probably carnal--I make this assessment based on things I see them say and post about on Facebook), so I'm intrigued that they've expressed little support for a Christian-themed book, though they were more supportive of my secular book.

There are a lot of females in my family, so there's naturally quite a bit of familial competition and jealousy. My grandmother shows obvious favoritism, has for years and, I believe, this has subtly added to the competitiveness. On my birthday a couple of weeks ago, she wished my niece a "Happy Birthday" on Facebook (even though her birthday is in April--I guess she confused me with her); she then wished one of her great nieces a "Happy Birthday" a few days later. But she never wished me one. You're probably thinking, "Cut your grandma some slack, she's probably getting old." That would be acceptable...but this sort of thing has been going on for years, since I was a little girl...and there are some family members whose birthdays she NEVER forgets! In fact, she'll call up other people to remind them of their birthdays! Needless to say, Grandma hasn't shown support for the book yet either.

My dad isn't on Facebook, but I emailed him my book trailer and he hasn't called, texted, or emailed with feedback either. He's always been a little distant, so this shouldn't surprise me, but it still hurts.

Most of my college friends aren't Christians, so I'm not too surprised they failed to show support. Perhaps there's also a natural jealousy/competitiveness between my college friends and I since we all majored in writing and graduated around the same time. I also have a few other friends and family members who are so wrapped up in their own lives, they probably wouldn't notice or acknowledge a Facebook post by Jesus Himself. But it's still a little disappointing because I usually try to support or "Like" the accomplishments and activities of my family members and friends. It would just be nice to receive the same support I give.

I know...I'm distracted again! Ugh!!! But it's been tough! As soon as I wake up and check my email, I see I have proofs from the publisher that need to be reviewed and revised. Then I have to put together promotional materials. Then I have to work on my homework, etc. I know I shouldn't let this Facebook silliness get to me, but it's the principle of the matter--if your closest friends and family members won't support you, who will? When you're undertaking a new business endeavor, it's a bit disconcerting and deflating to feel like no one cares.

And, once again, none of this should surprise me because even support (or a lack thereof) from family members and friends seems God ordained. Complaints similar to mine are made repeatedly in the Psalms:

"I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbours, and a fear to mine acquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me." Psalm 31:11

"My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off." Psalm 38:11

"Thou hast put away mine acquaintance far from me; thou hast made me an abomination unto them: [I am] shut up, and I cannot come forth...Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, [and] mine acquaintance into darkness." Psalm 88:8, 18.

It's intriguing that Psalm 88 states explicitly that God is the one putting lovers, friends, and acquaintances far from the Psalmist. Job 19:13-14 states, "He hath put my brethren far from me, and mine acquaintance are verily estranged from me. My kinsfolk have failed, and my familiar friends have forgotten me."

I believe Joyce Meyer has talked about why God might have friends/family members reject you: God doesn't want us to be dependent upon them for our emotional needs--He wants us to come to Him for support and to meet our emotional needs. God also hates idolatry and if approval from others begins to become too important to us, God may remove it because, in some ways, it has become an idol and more important to us than Him.

My mother recently stated to me that she believes rejection is an issue for me and that it is something I have struggled with/against since childhood. I was rejected a lot (by other children, family members, etc.) as a child and I do believe that acceptance/approval from others is something that I've subconsciously sought ever since. I've gotten involved with guys and sinned against God because I was so flattered that they thought I was pretty and wanted to date me and I didn't want to run the risk of being dumped if I refused their advances (ironically, I usually ended up getting dumped anyway!). I've gone along with a lot of things I didn't really want to do because I didn't want to risk rejection from others (ironically, I usually ended up getting rejected anyway!). I think I've only recently realized that this is a trend in my behavior. I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself, but I can see that this is an area where I still need healing and restoration from God.

Even now, rejection (be it from people, a company, etc.) still leaves me emotionally reeling and this ought not to be. If we are truly rooted and grounded in Christ (Psalm 1, Luke 8:15, Colossians 2:7), we won't be tossed to and fro by the circumstances of life or by the actions of others. If approval from Christ is all we seek, we won't care if others fail to support us.

*Sigh!* I feel like I take two steps forward in spiritual progress and three steps back. This is a journey...I need to be patient with myself and just keep pressing forward. My heart still hurts, but the Lord Jesus loves me and He supports me...that's really all I need. I need to ask Him to heal my heart from rejection.

If He wants my book to be a success, it will be. If He doesn't want it to be, then He must have something else in store for me!

Please Pray for Pastor Youcef!

2011-10-01T09:26:00.000-04:00

The ACLJ has started a petition to Secretary of State Clinton to save Pastor Youcef Nadarkhani's life. He refuses to renounce Christ and has been sentenced to death in Iran.

Please pray for him and his family, take a moment to sign the ACLJ's petition, and spread the word. Thank you. The Lord Jesus bless you! <3

http://aclj.org/iran/pressure-iran-save-christian-pastor

The Abuse of God

2011-09-26T10:22:00.005-04:00

If you Google a phrase like "abuse of God," you're likely to get results that deal with questions like "Where is God when a child is abused?" or "Is God abusive because He lets humans suffer?" etc. Thus, the search results tend to address God as "the abuser." However, I really couldn't find results which dealt with the abuse of God by humans! In fact, lately, I've been thinking a lot about this and, if you read the Bible carefully, you almost can't help but begin to think of God as a victim of domestic violence or spousal abuse (which can also include verbal, mental and/or emotional abuse).

I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out...

As I wrote previously, I'm currently studying the book of Exodus. What is so striking is that, despite God's glorious deliverance of the Israelites from bondage in Egypt, all the amazing feats He did before their eyes--the plagues, the Passover and deaths of the Egyptian firstborn, God's protective presence in the pillar of the cloud, the parting of the Red Sea, the drowning of the Egyptions--before you can even finish chapter 15, in which the Israelites sing a beautiful psalm of praise to God for His deliverance, the Israelites begin to murmur and complain (Exodus 15:23-16:12).

This murmuring against God would continue and increase (Exodus 17:7), even after God miraculously rained bread from Heaven, brought quails to the camp to nourish the children of Israel, and gave them water out of a rock. Shortly after this, the Lord gave the Israelites a glorious victory against their enemy, Amalek (Exodus 17:8-16).

God would then declare to the Israelites that He'd borne them on eagles' wings and brought them unto Himself and that they would be a holy nation and a kingdom of priests to Him if they simply obeyed Him (Exodus 19:3-7).

Then, the Lord graciously made His presence to the Israelites known even more explicitly, actually descending--God came down!--upon a mountain in a glorious demonstration (Exodus 19:16-25). He would make another glorious appearance shortly thereafter (Exodus 24:10-11).

*On a quick side note, I believe that every appearance of God in the Old Testament (and there were many) was actually the second Person of the Trinity, the Lord Jesus. I base this conclusion, largely, on John 1:18, 1 Tim. 6:16, and the entire biblical story as a whole but...I'll get back to this at a later time...

And, how did the Israelites repay God's deliverance of them from bondage, the destruction of their enemies, the supernatural provision of food and water, God's declaration of love for them and His desire to make them royalty, and His glorious, personal visitations? With idolatry, rebellion, and sin (Exodus 32)!

But wait, let's go back to the very beginning. God created Man because He wanted children He could love and fellowship with and Man rejected God, rejected God's love, and instead, chose sin and rebellion (Genesis 3).

This rejection of God would continue throughout Israel's history; it is seen repeatedly in Judges. But one of the most heartbreaking scriptures in the Bible, I think, is 1 Samuel 8:7:

⁷And the LORD said unto Samuel, Hearken unto the voice of the people in all that they say unto thee: for they have not rejected thee, but they have rejected me, that I should not reign over them.

So...we have Man's rejection of God in the Garden of Eden, rejection and verbal abuse in the wilderness, repeated rejection and rebellion in Judges, more rejection, idolatry, and rebellion throughout the reigns of the kings of Judah and Israel.

Hosea, a heartbreakingly beautiful book, lays God's pain and humiliation bare as He tells the titular prophet to continue loving his serial cheating wife just as God continues to love His serial cheating "wife," His people.

And, of course, Man's abuse of God is nowhere more literal or graphic than Man's abuse of Jesus. I don't think we truly realize the enormity of what took place: Almighty God, the same Person who created the galaxy, who created Earth, the same God who fashioned us with His own hands and breathed His very life into our bodies, the same God who parted the Red Sea, the same God who performed all the glorious feats in the Bible, came down to us...He actually came down to us. He arose from off His throne, laid aside His glory and majesty, put on one of these human dirt suits He'd made, and became like us. God clothed Himself in dirt to be near us!

He came down to love us, to teach us, to heal us...and how did we repay Him? We spat on Him, we beat Him, we whipped Him, tearing His flesh off, we mocked and humiliated Him, and finally, we killed Him. We killed God. I realize this was part of a larger plan, but that is still the evil that Man is capable of. And not only that, even after His resurrection, the Lord Jesus retained the wounds in His hands, feet, and side (Luke 24:39, John 20:27).

We've marred, scarred God...for all eternity. The only thing marred in Heaven is Jesus...and we did it to Him.

I've been guilty of verbally and emotionally abusing the Lord, of complaining against Him, of not appreciating Him, of taking Him for granted, of cheating on Him and sinning against Him.

I've actually known victims of domestic violence (several have been in my family). One of the questions you often ask victims of domestic violence or spousal abuse is "Why do you (or did you) put up with it?" Often fear is one reason that victims remain with their abusers but, sometimes, love for the abuser and the hope that the abuser will change is another reason.

Now don't get me wrong, I want to be very clear about something...

In this post, I'm making an analogy. In no way, shape, or form am I encouraging women (or men) to remain with someone physically and/or verbally abusing them. There might be some hope for the relationship if only verbal abuse is involved, if the abuser is willing to get some serious spiritual and psychological counseling, but anyone in a physically abusive relationship needs to GET OUT as fast as she/he can. My cousin's husband murdered her (after years of physically abusing her) in front of her three young children (two of them were his). Her oldest child (I believe she was about 6 or 7) had to testify at the murder trial. Fortunately, he received a life sentence. Physical violence can eventually lead to murder and a victim of violence should seek help immediately!!!

But to return to my analogy, the more I read the Bible and see this pattern of abuse by Man toward God, I want to ask Him "Why do You love humans? We've been nothing but awful to You since Day One. Millennia filled with verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. I've been awful to You. Why do You put up with it?"

But, of course, I know the answer...because He loves His abusers and hopes they'll change.